If You Knew
by FeelsLikeConfettiFalling
Summary: Everyone has dark secrets they keep hidden from the rest of the world, and Logan Mitchell just might have the biggest one of them all. His dirty little secrets are kept hidden under long sleeves and bandages, but he can't let anyone know. Popstars aren't supposed to be depressed, self harm, or want to die...right? He is slowly falling apart, and may need help before it's too late.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey guys! I'm actually very excited about this one. I started writing a story like over a year ago, but then thought that it would be better if I wrote a story explaining how that one all turned out...so basically I started writing the sequel first xD but decided hey might as well tell the whole story you know? Anyway I hope you like it, I'm mostly excited for the sequel xD I'm sorry it's so short, my first chapter is always kinda short but I really hope you all like it and check out my other stories, it would mean a lot! 3 -Alyssa**

Sometimes, nobody can see what's going on underneath someone's bright and cheery mask. Some people hide a dark soul, filled with pain, misery, and sorrow, underneath a happy and cheerful disposition. Pain doesn't discriminate. It can be anyone who suffers. From the outcast of the group to the most popular person in school.

Even a hit singer in a pop group.

Celebrities have fallen victim to the dangerous disease of depression. Johnny Depp, Robin Williams, Demi Lovato, Angelina Jolie, Lady Gaga, just to name a few. People think that just because they're celebrities, because they have the life everyone wants, money, fame, that they have nothing to be "depressed" about. But the fact is, it's completely the opposite. Celebrities are normal people, just like the rest of the world. They have problems, fears, emotions, feelings, just like everyone else. They are normal people, just like us, a lot of them poor, depressed souls stitched together under broken skin.

Just like Logan Mitchell.

Logan walked the sidewalks of L.A. with his hood drawn over his eyes and hands stuck in his pockets. He went on with his head tilted towards the ground, the rain drenching his back. The streets, usually sunny and cheerful, were now dark and soaked, the rain making it almost impossible to see. But Logan didn't care; this was a walk he had taken thousands of times. It was a usual routine to go for a walk when he was feeling stressed, and the fact that it was raining didn't bother him; in fact, it made it better. He adored the rain, it calmed him down to watch it drench the land, soaking up every bit of earth it could seek out. He felt connected to the rain, in a way, for it seemed as if it called to him in his time of sadness.

And now would've been one of those moments.

He sighed as he stopped at a crosswalk. He gazed up into the dark sky, the rain pelting his face like bullets, stinging his skin. Thunder roared loudly as lightning flashed in the sky, lighting up the darkened streets. Hollywood definitely didn't look the same when it was downpouring like that. He decided he should probably be heading back home before the storm gets any worse. They got pretty bad at that time of year in Hollywood.

He dashed across the street, not caring about the rain puddles he was splashing in. The water splashed up from the ground and onto his clothes, but he honestly didn't care. That day was not being very kind to him, and a little water was the least of his worries. As he ran, he nearly slipped several times, his face almost crashing into the wet concrete. He caught himself on a fence post, his fingers desperately trying to cling onto the wet metal. Strangers quickly passed by him like he was nothing. He paid them no attention, for he was used to being ignored and forgotten. To them, he was just another stranger on the street with a wet rain coat on. They couldn't see what was going on underneath those drenched clothes and tired eyes. They couldn't see who he was. Covering up his false identity was easy for him-no one knew he was famous, no one knew he was chased by hundreds of girls every single day, they only saw him as another human being, not anymore important than they were. But even if they did know who he was, they would never truly _see_ him, for his true identity would never be known. He pulled himself up, stuck his hands back in his pockets, and moved on.

He approached the Palm Woods completely drenched from head to toe in water. He slammed the door to the lobby shut behind him and leaned his back against the door, taking a deep breath, collecting himself. "Home." He whispered to himself. He wasn't quite sure why he uttered that word to himself, for he ever so wanted to spend more time in the rain.

"You're soaking up the carpet!" A voice rung out through the lobby. Logan watched as Mr. Bitters came out from the back and leaned on the desk from behind it. "You guys are always ruining my lobby somehow. Either go back outside or get up to your apartment."

Logan didn't say anything. He just glared at Bitters with angry eyes, and shook the rain off of him before heading over to the elevators and angrily slamming his finger against the button. But he grew even more furious whenever the elevator took too long, so he grunted in frustration and stormed up the stairs in quite a speed, Bitters watching him, confused.

Logan flung the hood off his head and threw the door open to 2J. "Logan! We've been looking for you everywhere. Are you ok? You're soaking wet! We've been worried sick!" Mrs. Knight said. She rushed over to Logan and took his jacket from him. LOgan just stood there, speechless, and stared at the ground, the only sound emitting from him was a depressed sigh. "Logan? Are you alright, sweetie?"

Logan's tired eyes met hers and the guys' with a tired gaze. He was glad it was raining, or else they would've noticed the tears running down his face. "Just hasn't been my day. I wanted to get out." He finally said, his voice in a half whisper. Mrs. Knight stroked his cheek and handed him a towel.

"It's ok, sweetie. I can make you some hot chocolate if you want." She said. Logan forced a smile and shook his head.

"That's ok. Thank you though, Mrs. Knight." The sadness in his voice wasn't totally undetectable, because Kendall, James, and Carlos noticed and nodded at each other before speaking up.

"If you're upset because of what happened at the studio, it's ok, Logan." Carlos said, setting his wii remote down on the coffee table. He stood up off the couch and stuck his hands in his pockets. "It was just an off day, bud. Everyone messes up lyrics and misses notes."

Kendall stood up and elbowed Carlos in the side. Carlos yelped in pain as Kendall walked over to Logan. He placed a hand on his friend's shoulder and smiled. "It'll be alright, bud. Carlos is right, everyone has off days sometimes, and it's ok to be angry or upset sometimes, and sometimes a walk in the rain is alright. It's just good you have a positive outlet for your anger. Tomorrow's a better day, alright?" Kendall slapped Logan on the back and motioned towards the couch. "Wanna come play Mario Kart with us? We got an extra controller just for you."

Logan faked a smile and pushed some of his wet hair off his face. "That's ok, Kendall. I'm gonna go shower, maybe I'll come down after. I wanna get out of these wet clothes."

Kendall nodded. "Alright. The remote's on the table waiting for you when you come down."

Logan smiled and nodded as he headed up the stairs. "Thanks." He called out over his shoulder. He dashed up the stairs, getting quicker with each step he took. His breath grew heavier and heavier with each step he took. The memories of the day and all the stress of his life was weighing in on him and he began breaking down. He reached the room he and Kendall shared and dashed into the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind him. He gripped the edges of the sink and gritted his teeth, trying his hardest not to burst into tears, for everyone downstairs would hear him and suspect something. He took several deep breathes before shakingly removing his clothes and tossing them aside, grabbing something out of the medicine cabinet before stepping into the shower and turning it on, his skin stinging with absolute pain as soon as the water hit against him.

He just stood there in silence for several moments before raising a shaking hand into the air and taking the object he grabbed, a small razor blade, and giving his left wrist a large gash, extending from one end of his wrist to the other.

Blood poured from his skin, mixing in with the water and puddling at his feet, disappearing into the drain, bit being replaced by more scarlet liquid. Logan gritted his teeth as he repeated the action, causing an even bigger gash than before. A slight groan escaped his lips, but he bit it all back, and forced himself to watch as his own life poured from him. He leaned his head back and let the water run down his face, and sighed. "Why?" He asked himself. "Why the fuck am I like this? I shouldn't be like this."

 _But I deserve it._

This was something he was all too used to. Previous cuts and scars covered both arms, legs, and torso. Two years. For two whole years he had kept his dirty little secret, and no one knew. His excuse for not going swimming? It changed all the time. He was sick. Didn't feel comfortable. Had a nightmare about drowning and it scared him. He didn't care if it made him sound stupid, but he made up any excuse he could think of. And no one suspected a thing, because a famous and happy pop star like Logan Mitchell couldn't possibly be depressed, right?

He just stood there in the shower for the longest time with his head down, letting the water run down his body, clear mixing in with red and making his head spin. He didn't care, though. He deserved it. He believed he did. No, he _knew._

He finally decided enough was enough and turned off the water, shaking his hair as he stepped out of the shower. He quickly grabbed a towel and wrapped it tightly around his arm to stop the bleeding. He always counted his lucky stars that he was going to be a doctor, because he could bandage himself up without anyone noticing, or without an infection spreading.

He sprayed on some antiseptic, wincing as the pain seared across his flesh, and wrapped a bandage around the wounded area. He stuffed the bloody towel underneath his mattress and put some clothes on, brushing his hair neatly, and slumped down the stairs with his hands stuck in his pockets, his fingers trembling with every move he made.

"Hey! Logan! Ready to play?" Carlos called over, swiping a controller off the table and waving it in the air. "I'm kicking ass over here though, I'm not so sure if you wanna go against me or not."

"Go fuck yourself, and your ego." James said, smirking. "Come kick his ass for us, Logan. You're good at this damn game."

"James is just mad cause he isn't." Kendall said, laughing. James smacked him across the face with a pillow, and Kendall retaliated with another pillow.

"Guys, knock it off, you're going to break something!" Mrs. Knight called from the laundry room. "And don't think I don't know what you're doing in there, I can see everything!"

"You coming to play or what, buddy?" Carlos called over to Logan. Logan looked at them with lonely and blank eyes and forced a smile and walked over to them, sitting down in the middle. They handed him a controller and he just jumped right in, laughing and talking with them as if he was normal, as if everything was perfectly ok and everyone was happy, but deep down he was hurting, he was in pain and he couldn't help it, and he couldn't help the fact that he knew he would never be happy like them ever again, like he used to be.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey guys! I'm sorry I haven't been updating my stories much. I just been going through a lot :/ But I am really glad you guys are enjoying this so far! And to answer some questions I've been getting: sadly, yes, I do understand what Logan is going through. I've cut myself before for 2 years straight, stopped for almost 2 years, and recently relapsed. I've been suicidal since I was about 12 and have been to the psychiatric hospital twice. But I'm trying to write these to let everyone know that pain is real and it really hurts. I want to raise awareness. I really hope you are all doing ok, and please message me whenever you need me. I hope you like this, and I promise my next chapters will be longer. :) -Alyssa**

 _He was walking through a field, a farmhouse in the distance. He felt no emotion as he walked further and further from the house. He knew he shouldn't have been doing it, but he kept walking, the only emotion that sprang into his head being the feeling of despair. Complete and utter despair. He dug his hands into his pockets and kept going, until everything suddenly disappeared and all that surrounded him were grass. Just a few hundred feet in front of him was a lone tree that had appeared, and he stopped dead in his tracks and just stared at it for the longest time. After a while, his feet started to move, ever so slowly, and walked towards the tree. Upon approaching it, he looked up at it, in a weird, admiration, whilst still feeling the despair that seemed to just grow and grow, not going away. He pulled a long, tight rope out of his pocket and threw it up in the air, the end magically tightening around the tree branch. He pulled the other end out of his pocket, a noose forming on the end of it. A tear slipping from his face, he climbed part way up the tree and slipped the noose on over his neck. He uttered no words as he then jumped from the tree, rope around his neck, and headed towards the ground…_

Logan woke up in a sweat, nearly screaming. He rubbed his face and looked around the room, his heart still beating rapidly. He frantically felt his neck, desperately reaching for the rope, but all he felt was his sweaty skin. He was surrounded in darkness, but when he reached over, he flipped on the light and noticed his friends sleeping peacefully on the couch and chair beside him. He wasn't in a field, there wasn't a tree or a rope, and he wasn't plummeting to his certain death. He was safe and sound in his own apartment, resting comfortably in his own chair. He pushed his hair back and leaned back in the chair, kicking his feet out of the blanket he was curled up in. He sighed and stared up at the ceiling in silence, his heart still beating rapidly. He flipped the blanket off his body and covered his face with his hands, wiping the sweat off of his forehead. He glanced at the faces of Kendall, James, and Carlos sleeping, their eyes somewhat wincing because of the lights being turned on. After calming down, Logan reached over and turned the light back off, leaving him alone once more.

He curled back up into his ball, drew the blanket up to his chin, and stared blankly into the darkness. He was unsure why that dream made him so unnerved-it's not like the thought of taking his own life hadn't crossed his mind before-because it had. It was very rarely that Logan ever felt happy, even for a split second. He quite often faked it, for his family, his friends, even his fans. He felt guilty, because whenever he met so many of those girls, and boys too, he looked into their eyes, so full of happiness and cheer, so wanting to see him, and whenever nobody was around, he broke down. He felt awful knowing what he knew, keeping a dirty secret from everyone. He hated himself for how he felt, because according to him, celebrities should not feel the way he felt. To the world, they were supposed to be perfect, beautiful, flawed free. There was nothing for them to worry about, they had everything. They couldn't feel pain, right?

He had been feeling depressed like that for years. He began feeling depressed back in Minnesota, but didn't start to self harm until shortly after he had gotten to Hollywood. It was no secret that he was the least liked in the band, and even back in Minnesota he wasn't a favorite anywhere. He was always getting pushed around for being who he was. Quiet. Too smart. Nerd. Freak. Weird. Abnormal. He's heard all that and plenty more. At the start he didn't care, but after a while it started to get to him. The way people treated him-making fun of the way he looked, throwing the things he was carrying out of his hands, bumping into him, then throwing him on the ground, punching him, kicking him, making him feel absolutely _worthless-_ it all got to him. He really did feel like he didn't belong anymore. Depression set in, but he never told anyone. He kept it all in. The guys were always there for him through it all, but even though they cared for him and would always be there for him, he just couldn't let them know. It was his own little secret. And when he got to Hollywood, stress after stress was being piled onto his shoulders. Even though he got famous and became a sensation and an inspiration to millions of people all over the world, the depression still hit him like a fucking bullet, and he ended up taking that first cut. And he hasn't stopped since.

He rolled up his sleeve and ran a hand along his cuts, letting his hand graze over each fresh slice and scarred flesh. His mind raced back to the first time he ever harmed himself, to the first time he ever took a razor to his skin. But he winced at the thought and quickly drew the blankets over his head. He didn't like to think about that.

The scarred skin on his arms burned with the memories of his depression. His actions from the day before seered at the thought of the razor. He could still feel the blade slowly being dragged across his wrist, could still; feel the blood dripping down his body. He peeked out from the blankets and glanced at the clock to check the time. 3 in the morning. Just perfect, he thought. Now he was going to be awake forever and he hated being awake and alone at night.

"Go away, go away, go away, go away." He started muttering to himself. For some reason, for some odd, strange reason, he felt as if something was watching him, tracking his every move. He could feel _something_ lurking in the darkness, it's unknown eyes searching for him from somewhere in the dark abyss that was his apartment. "Please, just go, just go, just go, just go, go, go, go, go!"

His voice grew increasingly louder as he turned his back to the darkness and hugged his knees close to his chest, the blankets wrapped around his body so tightly he thought he would suffocate. "LEAVE ME ALONE!"

He was now screaming. He kicked his legs and started shaking, tears falling from his face. A light immediately flashed on and two arms yanked the blankets off of him. "Logan! What's the matter? Why are you screaming?"

"Go away!" Logan screamed, lashing out at whatever had grabbed him. The person turned his body to face them, and when he opened his eyes, he saw Kendall standing before him, and not some dark entity, the thing he felt. His hands were braced for attack at his sides, balled into tight fists, and his eyes were wide and he shook with fear. But Kendall held firmly onto his shoulders, staring at him with concern. Logan's heavy breathing calmed down some as he realized whatever he thought was watching him wasn't there, and his friends were all there with him, the lights on, everything being ok.

"What happened? Are you ok? Or was it just a dream?" Kendall asked, loosening his grip on Logan's shoulders. Logan wiped his sweaty face with his hands and looked around the room, glancing across the looks on James and Carlos' faces, and looking behind him and across the room in the darker parts. It was just the four of them, nobody else. He pushed his hair back and sighed, sitting upright as Kendall pulled away from him.

"Just a dream." He barely whispered. He looked around him one more time before sighing again and leaning back, covering his face with his hands. "It was just a dream. Just a dream, just a dream, just a dream. I'm ok, I'm ok, I'm ok."

"Those were some pretty loud screams, bud." Carlos said, approaching Logan and sitting down next to him. He draped an arm around his shoulder, a part of his body nudging the cuts underneath Logan's shirt, causing Logan to shake even more with a sense of fear.

"Go get him some water, James." Kendall said. James nodded and left for the kitchen. Logan looked around the apartment another time before turning back to the guys.

"I dunno what that was. I'm sorry. Go back to bed." He said. James came back with a glass of water for him and Logan whispered a "Thanks" before taking a sip, his hand shaking violently, before setting the water down on the coffee table. "Don't worry about me, I'll be fine."

"That sounded pretty terrifying, though." Carlos said, taking the blanket from behind Logan and draping it across his lap. "You were screaming pretty loud."

"Just a bad dream, guys. I'll live. If it happens again, I'll let you know. I just really need to sleep right now." Logan said, taking another shaking sip of water. Kendall, James, and Carlos all glanced at each other with concerned expressions before turning back to Logan.

"Ok, but please wake us up if you need something, bud." Carlos said, placing a hand on his friend's shoulder.

Logan nodded and lied down on the couch, pulling the blankets back over him. "I will. Goodnight guys." He said, turning his back to them and closing his eyes. The guys just looked at each other and headed back to their sleeping spots, turning off the lights as they all lied down. Logan listened to them all take their spots and just stared blankly at the couch, pulling the blanket up to his chin as if he were a child. He sighed and closed his eyes, the fear that someone, somewhere, was watching him still on him. He bit back his fear and swallowed it, and tried so desperately to fall back asleep, even though he knew that would be impossible to do, peacefully.

Logan had to practically drag himself out of bed that next morning, because he had gotten absolutely no sleep. There was no possible way he was going to be able to work that day, because he was absolutely dead ass tired. He sat up at the counter half asleep as Mrs. Knight poured him some orange juice. "You ok, sweetheart?" She asked. "You look sick."

Logan shrugged his shoulders and sighed. "I barely got any sleep. I feel awful." He took a sip of the orange juice and instantly winced. He normally adored the taste of orange juice, but when he took that sip, it tasted sour and awful on his tastebuds. He pushed the drink away from him and covered his mouth.

"Sweetheart, I don't think you need to go to work today." Mrs. Knight said, concern flashed across her face. She went over to him and felt his forehead. "I really think you need to go to Doc Hollywood today, tell Gustavo you can't go into work."

"I'll be fine, Mrs. Knight." Logan replied. "It's just that I kept having those nightmares last night and didn't get enough sleep. I'll wake up and be perfectly fine when I get to work."

"Bro, if you need to rest, you need to rest. You're the doctor here, you should know what's best for yourself." Carlos said.

Logan sighed and pushed himself away from the table, trudging upstairs. "I know what's best for myself." And he disappeared up the stairs and out of sight.


	3. Chapter 3

Logan took a good, long, hard look at himself in the mirror before putting his clothes on. Everything about him, everything he was, it made him crumble and fall apart. What if everything others have said about him wasn't true? What if he wasn't fat, ugly, disgusting, worthless…

No, he thought. He was. A disgrace to human kind. It was no secret that he was the least liked of them all. Countless numbers of people have told him, and they made it very clear that he knew, and drove it thriugh his skull, pounding it in with a hammer until it drove itself into his brain like a large nail. And there it stuck, rusting his brain from the inside out, reminding him every day that he really was nothing but a mere object that took up empty space.

He traced his fingers along his cuts, hissing as his fingers grazed them, as each one was very sensitive no matter how deep or shallow it went into his flesh. His bandages covering up last night's endevours flashed him, as if mocking him that he really was nothing. He sighed and layed his hands out at his sides, relaxing his body as much as he could. He looked at his body in the mirror some more, words like _fat, ugly, stupid, worthless, invisible_ jumped out at him, words etched into his body, permanent marks in stone.

As he slipped his clothes on over his shameful appearance, he thought back. Way back. To a time when he was happy. He wasn't always like that. He remembers before advancing on in grade school, back in kindergarden, when he used to laugh and play with the other kids, happy and carefree. It wasn't until he developed different interests as he grew older that he began to become isolated. It started with the little things, but then it snowballed into something worse.

Logan shook his head to rid himself of the horrid memories that had begun flashing through his mind and continued getting dressed, making sure his dirty little secrets were well covered and hidden away. If only they knew.

He loosely walked down the stairs and rubbed his eyes as he entered the kitchen. "I just want to get the day over with." Logan yawned.

"I really don't think you should be going today." Kendall said, walking up to the door and holding it open for Logan and the guys. He twirled his water bottle in his hand and followed the guys down the hallway. "I agree with James and Carlos. You just seem too...out of it."

"Fine. If I feel any worse, I'll leave." Logan said, sounding somewhat disgusted. "Can we please go now?"

Logan disappeared down the stairs and left the guys alone in the hallway for a moment, leaving them puzzled, until they finally decided to follow after him.

"What are we doing for Gustavo today? I kinda zoned out towards the end of the day yesterday." James said, combing his hair in his hand held mirror. "When's our next tour start?"

"Kickoff is May 27th." Kendall replied, taking a sip of his water. Carlos sat there playing games on his phone, and Logan just stared out of the winder, head leaning on his hand. Kendall noticed how distant he looked, and tried to start a conversation to lighten his mood.

"Are you excited for the tour to start, Logan?" Kendall asked, flashing the boy a smile. Logan nodded slightly, but didn't turn to look at him. But after a moment, a realization cracked through his skull. He knew how good Kendall was at deciphering people, at reading how they really were, and he knew he had to keep up a good attitude or his friend would suspect something.

Logan turned his head to Kendall and faked a smile. "I am. It's been a while." He turned back to the window and continued to watch the people they passed, happy, smiling, carefree. He was jealous of them, all of them, that they could go out and enjoy life without any problems at all. And if they had their problems hidden just like he did, they did a pretty damn good job at hiding it.

Kendall raised an eyebrow, suspicious of Logan's strange behavior, but before he could say anything, they had arrived at their destination and got out at Roque Records. The four of them piled out of the car and ventured into the building, going through the lobby and heading up to the studio. Logan walked slowly, his hands stuck in his pockets, avoiding eye contact with everyone. Kendall eyed him suspiciously, but kept going.

"Alright, dogs, there is to be no goofing around today. Your new tour starts in 5 months and 15 days, and we need to get as much practice in before the Christmas break as we possibly can because this is going to be the biggest tour we have ever had." Gustavo greeted them as they walked into the studio, Kelly following close behind him.

"He's not lying, guys. This is pretty serious." She said. She showed them the list of cities written on her clipboard. "We start off in the United States, here in California, then we gradually move across the country, not in every state, but quite a few of them. Los Angeles, Austin, New York City, Pittsburgh, you get it. Then we go to South America, just a few shows in Africa, a lot of time in Europe, until we finish it off in Canada. It will take up just about all of the summer, but this tour will bring a lot of worldwide publicity for Big Time Rush. This tour will make or break your careers, guys, it's really important."

"Which is why there's no goofing around! You all must stay completely focused, practice like you never have before, don't mess up and do everything right. I'm looking right at you, Logan."

Logan gritted his teeth and stepped forward, but Carlos held him back. Kendall stepped in front of them and held out his arms. "Have we ever let you down before? We got this, Gustavo. We're ALL going to do great." Even though he knew Kendall was only trying to make him feel good, it wasn't helping.

"Just get into the studio so we can make this happen." Gustavo grunted, and the guys all followed him, Logan seriously wanting to just turn around and quit. It angered him how even Gustavo was acting. He was tired of the anger, tired of the disrespect, but when it came right down to it, he knew he wouldn't do anything about it. He was slowly starting not to care-he kept thinking back to the last 18 years of his life and how nobody ever treated him right, and he slowly started to sink back into himself the more he thought of it.

He worked. And he worked hard. But he only felt tired and weary, and the more drained he felt, the more Gustavo screamed at him. "Logan! Why aren't you hitting the right notes? Why are you skipping verses? Time and time and time again, you keep screwing up! What the fuck is the matter with you today?"

"Why don't you mind your own damn business!" Logan snapped, ripping the head piece off his head.

The entire studio grew quiet. Carlos, James, and Kendall all turned to each other, then to Gustavo and Kelly. Even the two sitting outside the studio were speechless. Nobody had ever heard Logan speak like that before, and to hear his outburst with that tone of voice shocked them all. They all stared at him with their jaws dropped, not knowing what to say. Logan just rolled his eyes and slammed his headset on the microphone. "I'm leaving." He said, and stormed out of the booth and down the hallway. The other guys looked at each other before Kendall hurried out of the booth after him.

"Logan, wait up!" Kendall called out, but Logan kept movie, not even looking back at him. "Logan! Come here, now!"

"I don't wanna talk right now." Logan spat out. Noticing the elevator was taking too long to arrive, he began to head for the stairs, but Kendall caught up to him, grabbing him by the shoulders and spinning him around.

"Yeah, well, you're going to. You can't just walk out of here." Kendall told him. Logan scoffed and shook himself from Kendall's grasp.

"Says who? I'm tired of him treating me the way he always does. It's making me angry, I'm sick of it!"

"Ok, ok, let's calm down a bit." Kendall said. "Just take a few deep breathes and relax yourself. It'll all be alright, you just gotta relax, this stuff happens. Now turn around, go back there, and try to make it through the rest of the day."

Logan sighed and pushed past Kendall, making his way back to the studio, not saying a word. Kendall shook his head and followed after his friend, just wishing the day would be over with already. "We all just have off days sometimes."

"Look who came back." Gustavo said as Logan returned to the studio. "GOnna do things right this time?"

Logan stopped dead in his tracks and glared at Gustavo. It was almost as if there was something... _evil_ in his eyes. "You know what?" Logan started, but Kendall interrupted.

"Let's all not say anything and just continue on with the day, ok?" Kendall said, and he took Logan by the shoulders and directed him into the booth. James and Carlos gave Kendall some confusing looks, and Kendall just mouthed out the words, 'I'll explain later."

When they went on their lunch break, Logan wanted nothing to do with the guys. He still felt irritated, and several times almost walked out of the studio again. He rubbed his arms addictively and just wished he had _something_ to help calm him down.

"Hey! What's been up with you lately? You been acting so different." James said, walking up to Logan. He carried two water bottles in each hand, and handed one of them to Logan. Logan bit his lip and wanted to walk away, but instead accepted the gift from his friend and sighed.

"Just got a lot on my mind."

"He's on his period." Carlos laughed from across the room. Logan had to bite his tongue to keep himself from smiling, but he couldn't help it. He always laughed at Carlos' jokes.

"See? There's a smile. Now, what's been on your mind, buddy?" Carlos asked. He jumped up from the couch and walked over to Logan, resting his elbow on his friend's shoulder.

"Just some stuff, I guess. Stressed out, that's it. I'll get over it, haha." He pushed his hair back and smiled. "I think I've been a little sick lately."

"I really thing you need to go to the doctor." Kendall said. "You really don't seem yourself lately."

"I told you, if it gets worse, I'll go. I'm just a little tired and worn out right now, that's all. Now come on, we should really be getting back to work." Logan remained unconvincingly optimistic as he walked past them towards the recording booth. "Just want to get today over with, honestly." The other guys glanced at each other and shrugged before following him.

* * *

"Today was crazy." Kendall said, laughing as the guys left the studio at the end of the day. "I've never worked this hard in my entire life. And we got that practice concert and meet and greet tomorrow."

"This tour is going to be crazy." James said as they entered the car. All four boys piled in, and Carlos slammed the door behind them. "It's huge, like I never thought we'd make it this far, ever. It's so surreal. I can't believe I'm saying this, but honestly, I'm slightly nervous for this thing to start."

"Just a little over 5 months and we head off." Carlos said, kicking his feet up on Logan's lap and leaning his head back, a big grin spread across his face. "I can't wait to see parts of the world we've never explored. It's going to be fucking sick."

"All those foreign girls." James said, licking his lips. "They got some damn fine bodies, if I do say so myself."

Logan half smiled. "Your sex appeal is incredible." He commented, chuckling slightly. "Like, what girl hasn't slept with you?"

"I actually don't sleep with many girls." James said, his joking demeanor fading away slightly. "I may date a lot, but I don't sleep with all of them. Sex with someone is honestly something you should only share with someone special, ya know? I haven't slept with many girls. But you, my friend," James punched Logan's shoulder and grinned from ear to ear. "You, you need to lose that virginity of yours."

Logan rolled his eyes and shook his head. "Not this again. For real, you guys, when are you going to let it go that I have never slept with a girl before?"

"Never." Carlos said, taking his legs off of Logan. "I mean, come on, Logan. We're all 18 now. We've all had sex before at least once, but not you. You gotta get in a girl's pants soon."

Logan shook his head and sighed. "I'm with James. I mean, sex is something you should share with someone special and, well, I haven't found anyone yet."

"Lord only knows there's millions of girls who would want to sleep with you." Carlos wiggled his eyebrows. "You can pick any one of them if you want."

"Ignore him." Kendall laughed, shaking his head. "He's only playing with you. But for real, though, Logan, hasn't the thought ever crossed your mind that you maybe might want to lose your virginity soon?"

Logan gave a nervous laughed and rubbed the back of his neck. "This is making me feel weird, guys. We should stop."

"I have two words for you, Logan. World. Tour. Like James said, there's plenty of foreign girls out there that are hot as fuck." Carlos said, kicking his feet back up on Logan and closing his eyes. "I can't wait until May."

Logan chuckled slightly and looked out the window, storm clouds towering overhead. He watched as a single rain drop hit against his window and rolled down the glass, making Logan feel as if the sky was crying. He sighed and remained silent the rest of the way home, a million different things running through his mind, but at the same time, everything coming up blank.

"I'm exhausted." Carlos whined as he entered the apartment. He flopped down on the couch and spread his body out, taking up half the couch. Kendall smacked his legs and pushed them off the couch, taking a seat right next to him. James joined them, sighing as he leaned his head back and closed his eyes.

"I'm fucking exhausted." He moaned, rubbing his leg. "I never been so sore in my life. Gustavo's really fucking pushing it lately."

"Who can blame him, right? I mean, yeah, he's a dick, but this tour is bigger than anything we've ever done before. I mean, this is gonna make or break us." Kendall said. He sighed and leaned his head forward, his hair falling in front of his face. He groaned and shook his head. "I never thought this much work could ever go into something."

"Logan, you haven't been saying much, you alright bud?" James interrupted as Logan entered the room. Logan closed the door behind him and shook his head.

"No, I'm good. I mean, yeah, I'm good. Just really tired. I think I'm being overworked." He sighed and pushed his hair back. "I'm gonna head off to bed though, guys. I'm not really feeling too good. Goodnight."

They all watched as Logan headed up the stairs, exchanging concerned glances with each other, but not saying a word to him as he disappeared from their sight.

Logan entered his bedroom and shut the door. He gripped at his hair and let out a frustrated groan. He violently kicked the bedroom door and shouted "FUCK!", ignoring the sharp, intense pain that was throbbing through his foot. "I, I can't, I just can't." He said, pacing the floor. "There's no fucking way I can do this anymore."

Behind the music, the enthusiastic eyes, the laughter, the smiles, Logan truly was not happy, often not in the slightest. All the stress, all the panic, the workload, it was taking a large toll on him, and he was slowly crashing down with each passing moment. He just couldn't wait until Christmas break, because he would be able to finally take over a week off, go back home to Minnesota, see his family, and finally have some peace. But, at the moment, only one thing and one thing only got him through each day.

He did what he usually did almost every single day. He calmly walked over to his dresser, retrieved his razor blade from one of his dresser drawers, and went into the bathroom, locking the door behind him. He rolled up his sleeve, took a quick breath, and dragged the razor across his skin, an intense pain shooting through his arm, but causing a smile so wide on his face that you would think he was on drugs. But to him, harming his own skin, it made him feel like he was on a high. The rush of adrenaline he felt whenever that sharp piece of metal bit into his skin made him feel like he could do anything. All that emotional pain he felt instantly disappeared whenever he knew he was in control. And it felt fucking amazing.

"Logan, you ok?" Kendall's knock on the door startled Logan and he jumped, the razor slipping from his palms and clinging to the floor rather loudly. Logan cursed under his breath and prayed that he didn't hear that. "I just wanted to check on you."

"Yeah, yeah I'm ok." Logan began to panic as blood puddled around him on the floor, knowing if he didn't clean it up soon it would stain, and he would be busted. The door handle jiggled slightly, and Logan silently thanked himself for locking the door. "I'll be out in a minute, I promise. I was just gonna get a quick shower."

Now here is where he started to panic. He quickly grabbed an old towel and threw it on the floor over the puddle of blood. He swiftly turned on the water in the shower, removed his clothes, and jumped inside. He hissed in pain as the water smacked against his body, seeping into his fresh, open wounds. He bit the inside of his mouth to keep himself from yelling so Kendall wouldn't hear him. The clear water turned a scarlet shade as he washed his wounds clean. After a few minutes he turned the water off, jumped out of the shower, and quickly grabbed a towel and bandage. When he had sealed his wound, he tended to the mess on the floor. He scrubbed and mopped it up as quickly as he could, until there was no trace of blood left. He breathed a sigh of relief and buried the bloody towel at the bottom of the garbage can and turned to put his clothes back on.

"Shit." He mumbled under his breath. He looked around the bathroom before he realized he left his new clothes on his bed outside the door. "I can't go out there, I can't just put my old ones back on. He can't see me, he's going to suspect something, he's…"

Logan began freaking out. If he went out there, Kendall would see his bandage and confront him. He could dig his other clothes out of the hamper, but Kendall would ask why he put them back on. Kendall asked way too many questions, and it was difficult for Logan to hide things from him; he was actually surprised he had kept his secret that long. He gripped and pulled at his hair in frustration until an idea came into his head. He felt stupid already for what he was going to say.

"Kendall," Logan called from the other side of the door. He heard the shuffling of feet as Kendall made his way over to the bathroom door.

"Yeah, buddy? What do you need?"

"I left my clothes sitting on my bed, can you bring them to the door for me?" He asked.

"Sure, no problem."

He heard Kendall move over to the bed, gather the clothes, and walk back over to the door. Logan cracked the door slightly, sticking his right arm out to take the pile of clothes from Kendall, careful to make sure no scars were showing. "Thanks." He said, and quickly shut the door, making sure no evidence of his self destruction was visible.

He quickly slipped on his clothes, checking himself in the mirror before unlocking the door and heading out. He smiled at Kendall before crawling into his own bed, his razor clutched in his palm. "Thanks bud." He said.

"You alright?" Kendall asked as he head towards the bathroom, his hand on the doorknob. Logan looked past him and to the floor-hoping he didn't forget to clean up anything. He didn't.

Relieved, Logan nodded, moving his hands behind his back, a type of fear in his mind that Kendall could somehow someway see through his hand at the object that he was holding. "Yeah. Much better, thank you."

Kendall nodded and turned and shut the door, leaving Logan alone in the room. He quickly turned and buried his razor in its hiding place before jumping into his bed, pulling the blankets up to his chin and turning his back away from Kendall's bed before shutting his eyes and attempting to sleep, a seemingly normal teenage boy, with a dark secret hidden underneath. If only they knew.


	4. Chapter 4

You would've thought Big TIme Rush would've taken up all of downtown L.A. There were posters everywhere for their practice concert that evening at Palm Woods park. And even thought it was hot all year round in Los Angeles, it was especially warm that day, especially for it being the middle of December. All you saw when you walked down the street was "Big Time Rush! Performing at Palm Woods Park! Meet and greet at 3, concert at 7. December 13th." The guys were all hyped up for that night, and Logan was even perked up a bit.

"This is getting people really excited for our world tour in 5 months." Carlos said as they walked out of the Palm Woods and approached one of the signs on the side of the building. "I mean, do you know how many people are gonna be here? And at the meet and greet? A LOT. It's gonna be huge."

"This is great." Kendall said, sticking his hands in his pockets and smiling. "I am so excited, I love it. James, how could I ever doubt you about coming here asll those years ago?"

"I'm always right, you know that." James replied, winking at his blonde friend. Logan smiled, actually smiled, and for a few moments he forgot about what he hid underneath his clothes.

"What time is it now?" James asked.

"Exactly one. On the dot." Logan replied, checking his watch. "Which means we got two hours and should probably start heading over there. Then we'll come back to the Palm Woods, get ready for the concert, and it'll all flow from there."

"Alright, let's go." Kendall said, and off the four friends went, each and every single one of them happy and smiling, as if nothing was wrong amongst them, as if nothing ever was.

"You're late!" Gustavo shouted as the boys approached him and Kelly at Palm Woods park.

"Um, we've got two hours." James said, looking around. "There's only a few people over there waiting. And plus, we live literally right over there."

"You may not be late on your watch, but on mine, you all are." Gustavo grumbled. He spun around and started walking in the other direction. "LET'S GO, DOGS!" He shouted. Kelly grinned and shook her head.

"Will you PLEASE follow me, boys." She said, a smile spread across her face, somewhat still laughing. "Ignore him. Youre on time, you guys. He's cranky."

"When isn't he?"

"Logan, it's like, a million degrees outside, why are you wearing long sleeves?" James asked as they got things set up for the meet and greet. He took a sip of water and approached him, which sent Logan into a panic.

"I, uh, um," He startled, trying to spit out the proper words to say, but everything came out jumbled. What was he supposed to tell him? Did he know? Did he have an idea? Was he suspicious?

"I, um, a fan gave this to me once." He lied, giving James a goofy and surprisingly convincing grin. "I thought it would be, you know, special if I wore it today. Plus, I couldn't think of anything to wear, so I just grabbed the first thing I saw. I'll be cool though, I promise."

James nodded and turned away from him to talk to one of the crew members, and Logan breathed a huge sigh of relief. "Thank God." He mumbled under his breath. He looked around and made sure nobody was watching him, and he carefully pulled down just a little section of his sleeve to glance over some of the cuts and scars that graced his arm. He traced two of his fingers over them, sighing as each one created a unique bump in his skin, a touch that sizzled onto his fingers and burned eternally at the slightest touch. He sighed and shook his head, pulling his sleeve back up. "How did I ever let it get this far? How?" I started off small, Logan remembered, but then it snowballed and he became addicted. Soon, every single time he was sad or upset about something, he was slicing the pain away. And it made him feel fucking fantastic.

"Logan! Come on, you're going to be late!" Gustavo yelled into the room. Logan bit his lip and took a deep breath.

"Don't get mad, Logan, don't get mad." He said to himself, and he turned and left to go with the other guys, not looking at Gustavo as he passed him. He was alrteady mad at him enough.

"Sup, bud?" Carlos asked as he approached the others. Logan smiled at him, and suddenly all the negative thoughts disappeared when he looked around them/. They were standing outside, a Big Time Rush backdrop behind them. The wind was blowing and created a nice breeze that battled the hot sun, and Logan silently thanked God for that as they got ready to open up the gates for the fans.

"It'll take about an hour or two." Kelly said to them, fixing their hair as a last minute touch-up. "You guys know, you've met thousands of people. Then afterwards you can go back to the Palm Woods, change, and get right back out here. You'll do fine, just smile and be yourself."

"I'm gonna start letting people in!"

"Have fun you guys." Kelly said, and she jumped out of sight as the line of fans that kept growing and growing was let in, and girls started crying as they saw them.

"This is what I love about my job." James said, smiling as he watched the fans approach them. "There's no better life than this."

Usually, the guys would've responded with some sort of sarcastic comment to one of James' comments, but they honestly couldn't agree more with him. They all loved their job, even if at the very, very beginning, they didn't even want to do it. Granted, Logan would still love to become a doctor, or Kendall a hockey player, but now that they saw how much fun they had, and how much they made people happy, they wanted to do this for as long as they possibly could. Doing that, meeting the fans and doing the concerts, was probably the only thing in the entire world that made Logan happy. When he saw the look on a teenage girl's face when she approached him, it lit up his heart and he questioned why he was depressed in the first place.

"Guys!" One girl was so excited she screamed. She ran full force up to them and threw her arms around the nearest band member she could go to, which was Logan. He smiled as she practically jumped into his arms and buried her face into his chest. Logan smiled brightly and widely as she grew more and more excited as she was greeted by each band member. But, Logan's smile faded as he noticed a series of scars upon her right arm. He suddenly could not move at all as he noticed the scars, and he noticed the other guys' eyes catch on to it, but it didn't make their greeting any less wonderful. But Logan still felt a bugging feeling inside of him.

It's not like they've never met fans with scars before. They meet them every day. Some fans have even told them how they have saved them from suicide, and how they've survived suicide attempts and have been in and out of hospitals and such things as that. It really made Logan think for a moment whenever he heard things like that. He harmed himself, he often even _felt_ like he wanted to die, but in all honesty to himself, he didn't think he would ever have the guts to actually go through with it, no matter how horrible things got. He just wasn't sure.

"Are you guys all ready for tonight?" Carlos asked as he tossed each of his friends a bottle of water. Each of them nodded and took a long sip. Alrrady, even from the meet and greet, they were exhausted. "I mean, there were so many fans, and already I can see a lot of fans standing out there waiting for the concert to start. And we don't go on for another two or so hours."

"Man, this is getting everyone real hyped up for this summer. It's even making me a little nervous and excited, and I NEVER get nervous." James said, pushing his hair out of his face. "I mean, we're gonna be gone for a while, but this is huge. Like, this could basically decide what we're doing, you know, after Big Time Rush."

Everyone else was silent for a moment. He was right. If they still wanted to do this after Big Time Rush was over, whenever that may be, this tour could basically make or break them. Even though they were already famous all over the world, this would make them more widely known, get more people's attention, catch they eye of massive producers all over the globe. This was important, and they couldn't mess this up at all.

"And I want to do good for all those people. Like, didn't you see that girl? Those fans? Those scars were nasty. And I, I don't mean like, that it was gross or anything, but like, they looked bad. Deep. How do you do that to yourself? It's heartbreaking. I don't know if I'll ever understand."

Logan stood there in silence and bit his lip, turning his eyes away from everyone else. He rubbed his arms through his sleeves, a sudden and intense fear striking through him. He suddenly began to panic; _what if they knew?_

"How you feeling, Logan?" A voice startled him. He jumped and whipped towards the voice, and ended up giving Kendall a look of complete terror. "Woah, calm down, why you so jumpy? You still feeling sick?"

Logan put a hand on his chest and gave a nervous laugh. "You just nearly gave me a heart attack, that's all." He nodded and took a sip of water to avoid eye contact.

"That's all?" Kendall laughed. "Like a heart attack is no big deal. You're funny, Logan. But seriously, dude, how are you feeling? Are you still feeling sick? If you want to sit out, we can see if we can manage without you…"

"No way." Logan said forcefully. "I mean, there's no way I'm gonna sit out and leave you like that. I'm actually feeling a lot better now. Besides, you'd be crushed without me here."

"Mmm hmm." James said from across the room. Logan grinned and whipped his empty water bottle at him. It smacked James directly in the face, and he laughed and wailed it right back at Logan.

"Admit it."

"We would miss you if you were gone, Logan." Carlos said, his voice jokingly monotone. "Besides, I honestly think without you, or any one of us, Big Time Rush really wouldn't be a band. I mean, think about it, remember when Griffin thought BTR was dead and we were all sent back to Minnesota? And Gustavo had to buy us back? James left to be with Hawk, and without him, there was no way we could've went on. It was a complete disaster."

"If there's minus one of us, there is none of us." Kendall said to them all. "Without one, there is none."

"Thank you, Caption Quotes. How original." James shouted over, not even looking at Kendall. Kendall grinned and shook his head, and James stuck his tongue out at him. Logan smiled and pushed his hair back.

"Well, um, thanks guys, I guess." He said, giving a little laugh. "But back on what you said, it really was nice seeing all of our fans today. I enjoyed it."

"I think I saw a girl checking you out there, Logan." James said, appearing next to his friend and draping an arm around his shoulder. "Did you notice her?"

"James, I meet hundreds of girls each day. Which one?"

"Long, brown hair, ruby red lips, green eyes, tank top and cute little booty shorts? She was really checking you out, man."

"You're a piece of shit."

"He's not lying, I think I noticed it, too." Kendall said. He grinned and pointed out behind the curtain. "She was in a group of people, so you mustn't have noticed her very well. But she was pretty. And she was looking at you real good."

"A lot of girls look at me."

"Yeah, but this one was really _looking_ at you, bro." Carlos said, appearing next to Kendall. Logan rolled his eyes.

"Ok, how come everyone has seen this imaginary girl except me?" Logan said, folding his arms across his chest. "I mean, I think I remember seeing her, but there was no way she was looking at me. You mean tall girl, but kinda shorter than me, sorta skinny, real fidgety and nervous?"

"That's the one."

"There's no way."

"I'd talk to her after the show if I were you there, Logan." James said. "It's easy. Just walk over to her and start a conversation. Or we can get Joe or Ron to pull her aside after the show."

"Are you loco?" Logan said, his voice in a whispered yell for some automatic reason. "I mean, come on."

"Go ahead and make fun of the Latino." Carlos laughed as he walked away from them.

"I can't do that." Logan said, turning his back to them and taking a few steps away for a breath. "I can't just walk up to girls and start talking to them, there's no way, nuh uh."

"It's easy." James told him.

"That's easier said than done, James. I mean, it's easy for you to say. You've been with how many different girls. I'm not good at talking to girls, not even guys. I can only talk to you guys because I've known you for so long."

"You like us." Carlos shouted from an unseen location.

"If you need help, we can help you. We got you, Logan." Kendall said, putting an arm on his friend's shoulder. Logan blushed and shook his head.

"I hate you guys." He laughed. "You're all idiots."

"But we're _your_ idiots!"

Finally, it was showtime. There were hundreds of people lined up on the grass of Palm Woods park, just waiting for BTR's promo concert to start. Meanwhile, backstage, the guys were prepping up and getting hyped for the show.

"This is gonna be soooooo greeeaaaat." Carlos sang as he paced back and forth back stage. "And it's just 5 months and 2 weeks until the tour kicks off. And this is just a little preview, man. I mean, when this tour starts, we're gonna be playing for shows that are two, three times the size of this one."

"More like four or five, even six." Logan said as he fixed himself. He specially made sure that his sleeves were pulled down nice and far. All he needed was one little slip, one fan to see, and suddenly, the entire world would know his dirty little secret.

"Pssst! Logan! Come here!" James said, motioning for Logan to come to the curtain. Logan groaned and advanced over to James, who was peaking out to the crowd from behind the curtain separating them and the fans. "Look right there, front row. With her friends. That's the girl that was checking you out."

Logan rolled his eyes, but when he popped his head next to James', it was then that he saw her, and vaguely recognized the girl. She wasn't too tall, but not incredibly short, either. Her hair was a chocolate brown that fell just below her shoulders, her eyes a shade of merald green and her lips and cherry red. She wore jean shorts and a flowered tank top, and stood at the front row holding onto the bar loosely, looking around the park, a faint smile on her face.

Ok, he admitted it. She was kind of pretty.

"You should talk to her." James whispered, slapping him on the back. "Just be yourself and you'll be fine."

"Not now, you dick." Logan said. "Not before the show, we start in a few minutes."

James' grin spread throughout his face and his eyes grew wide. "Wait, so you DO want to talk to her!" He exclaimed. Logan _shhhhhh_ 'd him and pulled him back.

"I never said that." He said, looking back out at the crowd. "Al I said was I did not want to speak to her at the moment."

"I'll get Joe and Ron to pull her up here." James laughed. He motioned for two security guards behind Logan. "Can you do us a favor, please?"

Logan slapped him and pulled him as far away from the curtains as he possibly could. James was in hysterics, laughing so hard he could hardly breathe. "Come on, Logan. She's pretty. Take her before I do." James just amused himself. Because then he started laughing even harder.

"Where's your Juliet, Mr. Romeo?" Kendall said, coming in between Logan and James and draping his arms around their shoulders. "Have you found your long lost princess yet?"

"Front row." James belted out, before Logan could get a chance to sat anything or stop him from saying anything. "She's cute as hell, though. I might keep her for myself."

"Can you guys stop, please? I'm not ready for this yet, guys. I don't know. I can't talk to people very well, and I don't want to draw attention to myself. It's cool, guys, just let it go."

"We got you, Logan. Don't worry." Kendall said, winking at the shy boy. "Let us take care of it."

"Don't you dare do anything, I swear to God, Kendall." Logan said, growing irritated. Kendall just laughed and shook his head.

"Relax, buddy. We're not going to embarrass you, we're going to make sure of it." Kendall handed each of the guys a microphone as Carlos came trotting up to them.

"Are you still talking about the hot girl that had her eyes on Logan?" Carlos said, grinning. The other guys nodded as Logan covered his face with his hands. "Oooh, where is she?" Everyone pointed to the front row and Carlos caught a peek at her. "Damn, she is looking fine. I'm jealous, Logan. Absolutely jealous, my friend."

"Can we please start now, guys?" Logan said. The other guys laughed and hit his shoulder, as they waited for their cue to run out onto the stage. "They don't understand." Logan mumbled under his breath as each of their names were called out, signaling them to come dancing out onto the stage. "I'm not even sure if I understand, myself."

It was a pretty fantastic concert. The guys were loud, excited, enthusiastic, and heartwarming. They sang rather well, and Logan was surprised that he did not mess up a single note. Nobody questioned the long sleeves Logan bore, and he silently thanked God that nobody said anything. It was a big success; they really promoted their summer tour extremely well. Promoters in the audience were recording and having a fantastic time, and judging by the looks on their faces, they were well on the road to even better success. There was even talk about them performing at the Oscars the following year.

"This is absolutely insane!" James said as they finished off their concert and headed backstage. "I mean, did you SEE everyone out there? How much energy there was? That was incredible; I don't think we've had a better show ever! Definitely one of the best."

"And did you hear that we might be able to perform at the Oscars the year after next?" Carlos said, tossing everyone a water bottle.

"I almost fainted when I heard that." Kendall said, wiping the sweat off his face. "I mean, a World Tour is one thing, but EVERYONE watches the Oscars."

"I can't believe it."

Logan gritted his teeth against the searing hot pain he felt. After a while, jumping around and dancing onstage made him sweat uncontrollably, and he knew very well he couldn't take off his long sleeves, which caused him to become so unbearably hot that he nearly fainted. He hid it well, though, and as soon as they exited the stage, he grabbed an ice cold water bottle and held it against his forehead.

"Little too much effort?" Carlos asked, a grin on his face, as he watched Logan attempt to cool himself down. "Why don't you just take off the long sleeve shirt and just wear the t-shirt underneath if you're so hot?"

Logan's eyes got wide and he stared forward for a good five seconds. He opened his mouth to say something, but before he could, he heard laughter coming from the other side of the room. He and Carlos turned and saw James and Kendall, nearly doubling over with laughter.

"Logan," Kendall said, running up to Logan and gripping him at the wrist. Logan tried to control the pained look on his face as Kendall practically dragged him across the room, with James in pursuit. "We got someone over here for you."

Logan yanked his hand away from Kendall and stared at him with wide eyes. "The hell you didn't." He said, his jaw dropping. He clutched his fists in hidden anger as Kendall pointed to the two security guards.

"We got her for ya." Kendall said. He pointed over to wear the beautiful girl was standing, hands folded together, looking slightly nervous and unsettled. She looked around the back stage room with a sense of wonder and slight fear. Logan could automatically tell she was extremely unnerved to be there, and he almost felt bad for her. "She was so shocked when Joe and Ron went down to get her. Me and James had to practically sprint to get these two guys to get her after the show before she left. She was so happy though, Logan, so instead of being mad at us like I can tell you are getting, just go over and say hi to her. It would make her day."

Logan really wanted to hit them. They didn't get it, they didn't get it at all. But, instead of blowing up on them and causing a scene, he took a deep breath to control his anger and nodded. "I'll go." He said, and started walking away, but he stopped and swiftly turned to face them before heading off. "But that still doesn't mean I'm pissed off."

Kendall, James, and Carlos all stood back and hid behind a table and watched as Logan advanced towards this beautiful and nervous girl. Why they had to go and do some stupid shit like this, he didn't know, but he was going to get them back. Eventually.

"Did my incredibly stupid band mates drag you out of the crowd to come talk to me?" Logan said, giving a nervous laugh as he walked up to this girl. The guys weren't lying-she really was pretty, and he almost felt terrible for her when he saw the way she was closing herself in.

He knew how to read body language all too well.

"Yeah, they, uh, they kinda did." She laughed nervously. "Caught me before I had a chance to leave."

"I'm sorry." Logan said nervously, rubbing the back of his neck. "They can be a pain in the ass sometimes."

She smiled and laughed slightly, and it made Logan re-question as to why he originally thought this was a bad idea. She was just as nervous as he was. But he still wasn't happy with the guys.

"So, what do you do? I mean, like, do you have a job, or are a student, you know." Logan could kick himself.

"Student. I got accepted into my nursing college."

"Wow. That's fantastic." Logan smiled and nervously rubbed the back of his neck. "I was gonna go to medical school to be a doctor before I got into this band stuff. And hey, I'm sorry, didn't ask for your name. I apologize."

"It's ok." She laughed. "I'm Sandra."

"Hey." He extended his arm and shook her hand, and nervously looked around. "Hey, I gotta go, but we can talk later, ok?"

"That's cool. I'll see you later, Logan." He watched her walk away with a slight sway in her step, and he couldn't help but glance at her butt as she turned the corner to walk away, nervously pushing her hair behind her ears and smiling at him as she disappeared around the corner. Logan sighed and turned around to see the guys laughing at him.

"Fuck you all." He threw his water bottle at them and they burst into even heavier laughter as they dodged it. "That was not funny. What were you thinking?"

"Come on, Logan. We just wanted to help you out there, bud. What's the point of being a famous rockstar if you don't get any girls?"

Logan sighed. "Carlos, please, I'm just not in the mood for that right now. I just, I got a lot on my mind. I've been tired lately, this working thing's got me not thinking straight, and I just really would like to lie down for a while." He pushed past them and disappeared around the corner of the stage, the guys looking into the distance after him, their minds wandering, all concerned about Logan's well being.

Back at the apartment, Logan entered the room he and Kendall shared and threw his tuff down on his bed.

"Logan, can we talk?" Kendall asked, stepping in through the doorway. Logan sighed and sat down on the edge of his bed.

"Look, I'm sorry I yelled back there. I guess this tour thing's just got me stressed out big time."

Kendall frowned and went over to Logan, sitting down next to him on the bed. "Look, I'm really sorry about tonight. We didn't know that whole girl thing would bother you that bad. We just did it for fun. And we thought you would like her. Something to brighten you up a little. Sorry."

Logan grinned and shook his head. "It's ok, Kendall. It's mostly my fault for getting so angry. I've been really moody lately and I really shouldn't be. It's just this tour thing has got me all stressed and I guess I just feel pressured, that's all. No big deal, bud. Just gotta take my mind off stuff."

"Nah, it's not ok. If one of my friends are hurting, I need to know about it and make it better. You get some rest, see how you feel in the morning. Maybe we can all do something de-stressing tomorrow if you're up to it. Goodnight, bud." Kendall grinned and patted Logan's leg before getting up and walking over to the bathroom. As he shut the door, Logan smiled after him and shook his head.

"What did I do to deserve such great friends like him?" He asked himself. He walked over to his dresser and pulled it open and, making sure Kendall wasn't around, pulled out his razor blade. He held it gently in his palm, letting the cold metal lie flat in his hand. He then ran his fingers over it, inhaling deeply at the memories he had with the object. He closed his eyes and thought back to the first time he did it. His mind instead traveled back in time to whenever he was younger, and words of his past came cracking through his skull and flooding into his brain.

 _You don't talk a lot._

 _Why is your head shaped like that?_

 _Ew, you sound terrible. Why do you talk?_

 _Too smart. Nerd._

And as he grew older, it got worse.

 _You're a fucking disgrace._

 _You can't do anything right._

 _What the fuck is wrong with you?_

 _Go fucking kill yourself, you worthless waste of space._

All the words he's ever heard in his entire life attached themselves to his subconscious and followed him throughout his days. They lurked in the shadows and crept behind every dark and shadowy corner. Every time he talked to someone, every time he got a good grade, every time he felt like he actually believed in himself, those words would attack and spit at him and new ones would just join every single day. The odd one out. The loser. The freak. The fucking waste of space. Useless. Worthless. Undesireable. Every time he felt like he could shake his past and start fresh, every time he actually _believed_ in himself, even slightly, he was reminded of what a disgrace he was and slipped back down into the hole he started out in, and he was once again someone not even worth a shot at the world.

Logan pulled up his sleeve and held the razor blade against it, his hand shaking uncontrollably as he felt the metal craving at a bite at his skin, it's mouth watering for a taste of human flesh. He was just about to carve into his arm until an image flashed into his mind. James pushing him to audition because he was too nervous. Carlos playing video games with him for hours on end. Prank wars. Pool parties. Water gun fights. Kendall sitting on the bed with him just moments before and talking to him out of stress, helping him feel even slightly better. Logan smiled and rolled his sleeve back down and tucked the razor blade back into it's hiding spot, just in time for Kendall to exit the bathroom, brushing his newly washed hair aside. "You need in here?" He asked, advancing over to his own bed. Logan smiled and took his place in the adjacent room, smiling happily at his friend before he shut the door, his problems disappearing for an entire evening, a restful sleep bestowed upon him for the first time in a long time.

"He's still sleeping."

Logan stirred from his sleep and rose up in his bed, stretching and yawning, and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. "What?" He asked, drowsy and his vision slightly blurred. "What time is it?"

"Oh, he's awake now."

"Shit." Logan yawned and swung his legs over the edge of the bed. He rubbed his eyes and cracked his knuckles. "Why are you waking me up this early?"

"We didn't mean to, bud. And it's not early...it's like 10 in the morning."

Logan's eyes grew wide and he was suddenly filled with adrenaline. He swiftly turned to grab the clock that was on his bedside table and began to freak out. "Are you kidding me? It's after 10! We're late for work! Damn it, I can't keep being late for work, I just can't, what is wrong with m-"

"Logan! Relax, remember we don't have work today. And we're never late for work, we're always on time."

Logan stared into empty space as his mind went back on track and he gathered his thoughts. He looked around and noticed Kendall, James, and Carlos standing around him, each having concerned looks on their faces. "Oh yeah." Logan said. He shook his head and stood up, nearly toppling over because his head was one big cloud of fog. "Sorry, I just haven't gotten much sleep lately. And I guess today kinda screwed me up."

"Sorry we woke ya up. We were just checking on you to make sure you're ok." Kendall said. He put a hand on his friend's forehead and smiled. "Well, you're less hot than you were an hour ago."

"What do you mean?"

"You've been tossing and turning all night." Carlos said. "We all thought you had a fever and didn't want to wake you. We figured you needed today to rest."

"Thanks." Logan sighed and sat back down on his bed. He wiped the sweat off his face and fanned himself. "Damn, it's hot in here." He went to take his shirt off but as soon as he was about to slide his arms out of the sleeves, a thought popped into his head and he stopped himself. "Anybody else hot?"

"Just a little, but you were kicking around in your sleep and that probably made it a lot worse for you." Kendall said. "I mean, after you got into your bed last night you were out like a light."

"I'm ok now, I promise. Just, sleep, sleep is just what I needed." Logan fiddled with his sleeves and tried to act natural. The guys had no idea and he wanted it to stay that way.

"Are you still gonna come to the fire down at the pool tonight?" James asked, sticking his hands in his pockets. "Everyone's gonna be there, but we weren't sure because you seemed sick last night."

"If you aren't gonna go, that will be perfectly fine, Logan. I mean, you've been extremely stressed lately and need your sleep. You are literally making yourself sick." Kendall said, draping his arm around Logan's shoulder. "Don't go if you don't feel very well."

"No, I feel fine, ha ha, I'm gonna go. I just really needed that sleep. I'll take a headache pill to get me through the day and I should be fine. It's just a good thing we don't have work for a few days or else I'd be dead."

"Just take it easy and you'll be fine." Carlos said. He patted Logan on the back and smiled. "You're the doctor, you know what's best."

Logan half smiled and stuck his hands in his pockets. "Yeah." He said, his voice shaking slightly. "Yeah, I know what's best for me."

Logan tried his very best to remain focused throughout the day. His mind was elsewhere, his head in the clouds. He kept thinking about the past few weeks, and about how much stress he was under. 5 months and 13 days. The biggest days of their life kicked off in 5 months and 13 days. He tried to be happy and focus on the things going on around him, and tried his very hardest to be interactive. He tried playing video games with the guys, he tried playing hockey with them in the hallways, he tried feeling the same rush of excitement he felt when they were being chased by Bitters for causing trouble, but he still felt empty. He just didn't feel as happy as he always used to. Every single one of his problems just gnawed at him and remained stuck to his mind, interfering with everything he did every single day. He just wasn't the same anymore; everything everyone ever told him was getting to him and he was believing all of it, more and more every single day.

When he arrived at the bonfire that night, he nervously sauntered around the pool area, unknowing what to do or where he should go. He used to do everything, and now, he just felt like nothing, like a piece of himself was missing.

"Logan! What's the matter? Aren't you having fun?" Guitar Dude approached Logan with a drink in his hand.

Logan shrugged and stuck his hands in his pockets. "I dunno. I haven't been feeling well, I guess. That's all."

"Well, why don't you join us? We're all gathering around the fire." One of their friends, Celestia, ran up to them with a huge smile on their face. Logan noticed that she seemed to sway back and forth, and her breath reeked with the smell of alcohol. "Come on, Logan. You'll love it! Everyone's over there."

Logan never took a sip of alcohol in his life. He never even thought about it. He looked around for Kendall, James, or Carlos, but couldn't find anyone anywhere. "COme on, Logan, there's a new girl, Sandra, over there. Get to know her, she's not doing anything and won't talk to anyone."

Logan's ears perked at the sound of the familiar name. He curiously looked over to the fire pit and saw the girl he talked to the day before sitting over there, talking with people, nervously laughing, like she was a little afraid to be around people. He contemplated going over there.

"I don't drink though, guys."

Celestia laughed and took hold of his wrist, anxiety rushing through him as her hands gripped the only cloth barrier between her and his biggest secret. "You don't have to if you don't want to, just come along for the ride."

Logan was about to protest, but she dragged him over to the fire pit and threw him down next to Sandra. "Logan came to join us, everybody. Show him a good time."

Everyone cheered and went back to their activities. Sandra took Logan's face and turned it to face her. "Logan! Is that you?" Logan could barely hear her over the music as she spoke to him.

"Yeah, it's me." He nervously smiled and pulled slightly away from her. "I don't really go to parties anymore."

"What? Why's that?" She asked. Logan noticed how slender and fine her legs looked as she crossed them, one over the other. He bit his lip and looked her over. She was wearing a crop top with shorts that rose above her knees, and he couldn't take his eyes off of her. He felt hopelessly confused.

"I don't know, it just sort of….well, happened." He laughed nervously and rubbed the back of his neck. "I got a little bit of social anxiety, I guess."

"Aw, why is that? You used to love being around people. From, well, from what I've heard and have seen. I mean, you're a rockstar, how can you have social anxiety?"

Logan sighed and looked down at his feet. He fucking hated it when people asked this question. He tried to change the subject as smooth as he could.

"So...what brings you here to the party tonight?"

Sandra smiled and pushed a piece of hair behind her ears. "Just tryna make new friends. I just moved here from Minnesota. I don't know anyone."

Logan beamed from ear to ear, an occurrence that hardly ever happened. "Cool! I grew up there."

"Living here is totally different. I mean, you go from below freezing to 'damn, I'm in the desert'."

Logan laughed. "That's exactly how I felt. I mean, it's so different. Me and the guys were amazed at what we saw when we first came here. I still love it."

Sandra smiled, and for the first time in a long time, Logan felt comfortable. He realized this girl wasn't all that bad, and that them meeting at the concert was actually a good thing. The two talked for a short bit until Celestia came over to them with two plastic cups, practically spilling with alcohol.

"I told you, Celestia, I don't drink." Logan said.

Celestia was completely shitfaced. She laughed wildly as she shoved the cups at the pair. "You won't know until you try it. Come on, Logan, live a little bit." She stumbled off into the party, leaving Logan and Sandra with their drinks.

Sandra lifted the cup and took a long sip. Logan raised an eyebrow at her. "You drink?" He asked her.

Sandra lowered the cup and shrugged. "I mean, a little, like, I don't know. I'm not bad though, I promise."

Logan looked at the funny colored liquid in his cup and questioned himself before someone came rushing into the pool area screaming.

"Bitters is coming! And he's got the cops! Everyone run and hide! Get rid of the alcohol! Toss the weed!"

"Who's got drugs here?!" Logan panicked.

"Doesn't matter right now, just take my hand and run. You'll get busted and lose your career and world tour if you don't hurry!"

Sandra took him by his hand and ran, just in time. The cops busted through the party and started grabbing people left and right. Sandra and Logan ducked behind some bushes and high tailed it to Palm Woods park, watching the insanity from a safe distance behind a tree. "Damn." Logan panted, catching his breath. "That could've been bad. And I didn't do shit."

"I hope your friends got out." She said. Logan's eyes grew wide and he began to panic until his phone vibrated.

"They're alright. I just got a text from the guys asking if I was alright." He breathed a sigh of relief. "This is exactly why I don't drink. I didn't even know there was going to be alcohol tonight. Or drugs. I thought it was just a party."

"So did I. But when I saw the alcohol come in I thought eh, why not. Stupid decision, though, to have it in the pool area. Next time they should try somewhere else."

Logan looked at her with amazement. He normally hated the party scene. He was supposed to be the good kid. The calm one, the one who makes the good decisions. The one who never told any lies. He was supposed to be the perfect kid. But for some reason, he looked at this girl like she was the best thing in the entire world. He silently thanked the guys for talking to her for him. After years of torment and cruel abuse from others, after living his entire life being the worthless kid, the short amount of time he spent with her filled him with a type of adrenaline and gave him the rush and excitement he needed to feel ok again. He smiled at her and shook his head.

"I can't believe you." He told her.

She looked at him, slightly confused and somewhat worried. "Wh-what? What do you mean?"

Logan laughed and put a hand on her shoulder. "We only just met and I can't believe you. Damn, you're awesome."

Logan felt stupid for saying that, he felt awkward and nervous, and felt he made a fool of himself, but she grinned from ear to ear and gave a cute laugh that made Logan feel something he never felt before. "Gee, thanks." She wrapped her arm around his shoulder and laughed once more. "You're pretty cool, too." She stole his phone from his pocket and began typing. "I gotta go, but look, here's my number. Text me later. I'm going to a party this weekend and maybe you can come too." She handed him his phone back and smiled. "See you this weekend? Before Christmas break?" She kissed his cheek and smiled as she walked away. "See you later, Logan."

He watched her walk away, her hips swaying as she took each step, his eyes lowering on her backside. His heart was in shambles, leaping from place to place, and he never felt more happy and more confused in his entire life as he did just then.


	5. Chapter 5

"Logan! Are you alright?" Kendall asked as Logan entered the apartment. His mind was elsewhere from the events that just occurred at the party. "Dude, we were worried sick about you."

"No, no, I'm fine, I'm alright. Me and Sandra ran as soon as the cops got there. I didn't drink, though."

The guys all shot each other surprising glances. "You were with Sandra?" They all said in unison. Logan nodded.

"Yeah. After I got there and you guys did whatever Celestia and Guitar Dude practically pushed me to her. We talked for a bit and I got to know her. We ran when the cops came, and while we were hiding in Palm Woods Park, we talked and she's a really cool girl. She invited me to a party this weekend before Christmas break, kissed my cheek, then left."

"She KISSED you?!"

"Yeah, sure."

James grinned and slapped Logan across the back. "Damn, buddy! You got yourself a girl and you just met her yesterday! A little slow for my taste, but hey, you're not as experienced as I am."

Logan grinned and pushed James' hand away. "Fuck off, we're just friends, James. Nothing more than that."

"But you're going to a party with her. And you were even so happy just now talking about her." Kendall commented.

"Ok, I gotta admit, she does have a nice ass." Logan began walking up the stairs. "But still, I don't know if I'm going to this party. I don't feel comfortable at parties."

"Logan!" Kendall chased him up the stairs and caught him in their bedroom.

"Oh God, now what do you want?" Logan said, hiding a slight laugh. "Don't say what I think you're gonna say."

"You're going to that party."

Logan laughed. "How'd I know you were gonna say that?"

Kendall grinned and motioned for Logan to sit on the bed. "Now listen here, my socially awkward friend." Logan smiled as Kendall sat down next to him and wrapped his arm around his shoulder. Logan felt strange.

"Listen, we could all tell something has been bothering you lately. We don't know what it is, but we all came down to some conclusions."

"Oh? And what would these conclusions be?"

"Listen, you need to get out more. Granted, doing drugs and alcohol isn't great, and that's not what we mean, but we really do think you need to put yourself out there more. You gotta go to this party. We can tell you've been under a lot of stress lately and that you haven't been yourself these last few weeks. Fuck, it's been months. Anyway, you need to take some risks. Remember when we first moved into the Palm Woods? You and me helped build this place, brother. That was you taking a risk. We miss that Logan. You're not yourself and that scares us. Now, if there is something bothering you, please let us know about it, ok?"

Kendall took Logan's hand in his and Logan sucked in a breath. Kendall's fingertips gently brushed up against Logan's skin, just barely missing scar tissue. If he felt it, he would get suspicious and look, and his secret would be exposed. Logan nervously held his breath until Kendall moved his hand away. Only then was Logan able to calm down.

"Just hear me out, buddy. Take some risks, live a little, go out with Sandra. Who knows, maybe you two can take it farther. It seems like you guys kinda like each other. Look, I'm not telling you what to do, but please try to better yourself. By that I mean put yourself out there, have fun, and take care of yourself, alright?"

Logan nodded after a few moments of silence. "I'll try. I promise, Kendall. Thanks for being my friend, bud."

Kendall smiled and pulled Logan in for a hug. Logan was completely lost inside himself as he wrapped his arms around Kendall, his mind turning to fuzz. For several completely different reasons.

"I'm gonna think about it, alright Kendall? And I promise you guys, nothing is wrong with me. I'm just stressed about the tour and stuff and that's what's getting to me. I'll be alright, ok bud? I'm just gonna take a quick shower and head to bed. I should be fine." Logan lied right through his teeth.

But Kendall bought it. He smiled and patted Logan's back before standing up. "Alright bud. Just let us know if you need anything. We're here for you, brother." And with that, he got up and left the room, shutting the door behind him, leaving Logan in complete and utter silence and loneliness.

Logan stepped into the shower that night and just stood there underneath the hot water, letting it burn his body but oddly making him feel comfortable at the same time. He loved long, hot showers. It helped him think. He held out his wrist and dragged the razor blade in one long line going down his wrist. The blood poured forth from his skin and flowed down his body along with the water. The crystal clear water water turned a dark red as Logan made several more gashes along his wrists, tears flowing from his face as he made each cut. He shook his head as he stopped and watched the blood flow, wondering why on earth he was chosen to fall victim to this madness, and why everything in his past had to affect him as badly as it did. Why couldn't he have the confidence of James? Or the toughness of Kendall? Or the tough yet sweet mind of Carlos? But no, he was stuck with being himself, the stupid one, the worthless one, the one who didn't deserve anything in life. The one who deserved to be dead.

 _They were all laughing at him. They couldn't leave him alone for one minute. Laughing, taunting, screaming, pointing, hitting, kicking, throwing things at him, pulling his hair, doing everything they could to humiliate him and ruin him. A little boy ran up to Logan and yanked his head back so far and slammed it forward against the desk, causing Logan's nose to start bleeding. Logan grabbed his face and started screaming. "That's what you get for being stupid!" The little boy laughed as he ran back to his friends. "You don't belong here!"_

 _Logan grabbed a tissue and held it against his nose, soaking up all the dark, red blood that poured from his face. "Leave me alone!" He screamed, tears forming in the bases of his eyes. "Just leave me alone! Stop bothering me! I hate you!"_

" _Logan is stupid! Logan is stupid!" The little boy started a chant amongst the other kids. "Logan can't do anything right! He's worthless! He's useless around here! He should just go die!"_

" _Johnnie, stop!" Logan shouted, but he kept it up and got all the other kids to start screaming at him._

" _I think you need to go somewhere! Somewhere very, very, very, very, VERY far away!" A little girl shouted at him._

" _You should go kill yourself! Go get a knife or a gun or something and never come back!" Another kid screamed._

 _Another kid joined in. "My daddy's got a gun at home he uses for hunting. You can use it to kill yourself and then I can hang you on my wall with all the other dead, dirty animals!"_

Logan woke up in the middle of the night sweating like a dog. He wiped his face and looked around in the deep darkness, but found he was in his bedroom, with Kendall sleeping in the bed next to his, and he wasn't in his old classroom back in Minnesota. He sighed and lied back in his bed, just staring at the ceiling. Back then he was told to kill himself, that he wasn't worth it, that he wasn't good enough for anyone to love or have fun with, and even today those memories haunted him and reminded him of his worth. People today still gave him the same treatment as they did back then, and each day he thought more and more about doing those things. Sometimes suicide seriously crossed his mind, but he just couldn't pull through with it. He sighed and closed his eyes, trying to fall back to sleep. He still had several more hours to decide if he was going to that party with Sandra or not, and he needed all the sleep he could get to think about it. It had only been a few days since she invited him, and he still wasn't sure if he wanted to go. He talked to her every day, met up with her a few times, but still was unsure about his decision. This whole situation confused him, everything about her confused him, but he remained solid through it all, trying to focus on his feelings and determine what he felt. He turned to face Kendall, watching the blonde boy as he slept. "Why can't I be more like you, Kendall?" He whispered to the sleeping boy. "Why can't I think like you? Handle situations as well as you can? Why can't I do things right? Can you help me? I'm in so much trouble. Hurting myself is the only thing that keeps me going through this life, and honestly, I'm not sure how much longer I can take it. I need help, Kendall, I need a friend. And you guys are the only ones I've got. Please, Kendall, I, I really need help. I need to be fixed. I lied. Something is wrong with me, I finally fucking admit it. I need help. Things are getting so much worse. I need someone. I need you."

Logan watched as his friend slept, and tears crept down his face; he just wished he could say those words right to his face, and not his back as he slept. He wanted to shake Kendall awake and scream in his face at how broken he was, at how much he needed to be helped. He hated the lying, he hated to hiding, but he had to do it. If they knew, they would send him away for a long time, keep him away from his family and friends, and he would never be the same. He couldn't go through all that, but he wanted help, he just couldn't ask for it. So he lied there, silently crying himself to sleep, just wishing he had the courage to talk to someone, wishing he could get better, wishing he could be the person he used to be, wishing things didn't get to him. If only they knew.

"So Logan, I hear you got invited to a party tonight?"

Logan cursed under his breath and slammed his glass down on the table. The other guys chuckled to themselves as Katie moved through the kitchen, staring at Logan intently.

"By a girl."

"What party?"

"Thanks, Katie." Logan whispered as Mrs. Knight came from behind, cradling a basket of laundry in her hands. He sighed as she stood next to him, placing a hand on her hips and cradling the basket in the other arms. Logan smiled and tried to change to subject. "Gee, Mrs. Knight, how do you do that?"

"Zip it, Logan." She set the basket down on the floor and leaned against the counter. "Now, what party is she talking about?"

"I met this girl," He couldn't even finish the sentence before the other three guys burst out laughing. "Because of these jackasses." Logan sighed. "I don't know, we got to know each other really well the last few days and she asked me to go to a small party with her and her friends. I don't think I'm going to go, though. I mean, I hate being in large crowd, and-"

"The fuck, Logan? You're a rock star, you've performed in crowds of hundreds of thousands, why do you feel awkward?" James asked, sipping his drink. Logan rolled his eyes and shook his head.

"I don't know. I don't know this girl, I don't know her friends, it's kinda sudden, it's just weird. I'm not going."

"Logan, take some risks and live a little!" Carlos exclaimed. "You're only going to be 18 once, dude. You're gonna be 19, you gotta go out and have some fun! Sure wish I was going to this party."

"Hold up." Mrs. Knight said. She looked Logan directly in the eyes, making him nervous. "I know what the word 'party' means to a teenager. I don't know these people, the party is somewhere in Hollywood, and there was that party last week that was busted in the pool area, and-"

"Mrs. Knight, relax." Logan said, grinning slightly. "Look, you know me, I don't do stupid stuff like that. Now, I promise, if I decide to go, I'll be careful. You know me, Mrs. Knight."

Mrs. Knight bit her lip and contemplagted the thought. "Alright, you can go, but I want you to keep in touch with me. Don't do anything stupid, Logan. You've got your life and career to think about."

"Don't worry, Mrs. Knight. IF I go," He glared at the guys, "I'll be careful. I mean, she told me it's only a small party with a few of her friends, they aren't really going to do anything. We're just going to her friend's house or something, I think, to relax. She wants to have some sort of going away party before everyone goes back to their home states for Christmas."

"You better be careful." Mrs. Knight said. She picked her laundry basket back up and waved a finger in his face. "I mean it."

The guys waited until she left before saying something. "You really need to go and take risks." James said. "Or your life is just gonna be boring for the rest of your days."

"A life without risk is a life unlived, my friend." Kendall said. "I mean, what happened to the Logan we used to know?"

Logan shrugged. "I'm just under a lot of stress, you know that. I mean, we've all been through it, we all are probably going through it because of this tour. But think about it, I'll be fine soon, trust me. We're going on Christmas vacation next week, it'll all be great."

"Well, as long as you're alright." Kendall said. "We just don't want you feeling upset about anything or something like that. Talk to us if you ever need anything, alright?"

"Will do, bro."

"So are you gonna go to the party or not?"

Logan sighed. "Carlos, I don't know. Parties aren't exactly my kind of thing. I'm not really comfortable with being around so many-"

"You're a worldwide famous popstar, don't give us any of that bull shit about not being comfortable around people." James said. "Now listen to me and you listen good-you're gonna go. You're gonna have a good time. And you're gonna like it."

Logan chuckled. "I don't know if I should-"

"Are you disobeying my orders?"

Logan sighed and pushed back from the table. "Fine, fine, fine. If it'll make you all shut the hell up, I'll go. But that's not saying I'm going to like it."

James slapped his hands off the table and jumped up. "That's what I'm talking about, bud." He walked over to Logan and draped an arm around him. "Now, if you're gonna go to this party, especially with a hot chick, you're gonna need some help. Let me see what I can do for you." Logan looked over his shoulder at the other guys as James led him upstairs, to which Carlos and Kendall laughed and shrugged their shoulders.

"You look swell, my wonderful friend." James said, patting Logan's back and looking over his creation. "I knew I still had it in me."

"I can't not say it, but this is...decent." Logan said. He straightened his jacket and stuck his hands in his pockets. "But I don't know if it's...me. Look, James, I appreciate the help and all, but I don't know if I can do this today. I've never been to this kind of party before, and-"

"Logan, it's just a small party with her and her friends, hardly even a party. Now, think about this, you and her, alone, at a party, and magic happens between you and her. You need to get yourself a girl so you can go out and have fun, and not be so damn depressed all the time. Just go, see how you like it, ok?"

Logan sighed. "Fine, alright? I'll go, I'll go. But if I hate it, I'm coming home and not going out with her again."

"Fine, fine, fine. Now go. You gotta meet her in the lobby soon." James said. He took Logan by the shoulders and directed him towards the door.

"Wait, how'd you know when I had to meet her?"

"Intuition. Plus, I was listening in on your phone call the other night. Now go." James said, and Logan shook his head as James shoved him downstairs.

"Looking snazzy, Logan." Kendall said, kicking his feet up on the coffee table. Carlos paused their game and he too turned to watch Logan make the entrance.

"Damn Logan." He said, leaning back in his chair. "You're definitely gonna hook up tonight. Thank me and Kendall and James for hitting that girl up for you."

Logan rolled his eyes. "You know I'm not interested in that." He said. "I don't want to have sex with anyone I just meet. That kinda thing just shouldn't exist."

"It's called a one night stand, and I've actually had a few." James said, resting his arm on Logan's shoulder. "I know, I know. I said I would never have sex with a girl unless I really really liked her, but there were quite a few times I just couldn't help myself. But what can I say, the ladies love me."

Logsan shook his head. "I know what a one night stand is, James. I'm leaving, I don't wan a hear this." He headed for the door.

"Don't drink."

"Don't do any drugs."

"Pick up lines work. You just gotta use the right ones and play it cool."

Logan shook his head as he shut the door behind him, the sound of the guys talking still audible from the other side of the door. Logan sighed as he headed down the hallway and towards the elevator, a thousand different things racing through his mind with each step he took.

"This is ridiculously stupid." Logan muttered to himself as he stepped off the elevator and into the lobby. "I really shouldn't be going to this party. I shouldn't have talked to her, I shouldn't have listened to the guys, I shouldn't have hung out with her at the party, this is stupid! I shouldn't have done this, shouldn't have done this, shouldn't have done-"

"Logan!"

Logan was startled by the voice and he swiftly snapped his head in the direction of the sound. But he calmed down when he saw Sandra rushing towards him, a big grin on her face. "Logan! You showed up! I'm glad." Sandra slipped her arm through Logan's and gave him a small hug. "Let's go. Everybody should be showing up soon. You're gonna have SO much fun!" Sandra happily led him out of the Palm Woods, her arm linked in his, and suddenly Logan didn't think it was an entirely too bad of an idea after all.

"It's right up here." Sandra said, the car slowing down. Logan peered out the window, the trees taking over the city view as the two drove farther and farther away.

"We're pretty far." Logan commented as the city disappeared from sight. "Are you sure you know where we're going? Is this really where you live?"

"We're not going to my house, silly." Sandra said, a quick smile escaping onto her lips. "We're going to a friend of mine's. He owns this little cabin out here. This is where we have all our parties."

"I don't know if I should do this." Logan said. "This seems a little sketchy. And I don't know anyone here, and-"

"Logan! Don't be silly. You'll be fine. You'll be with me the entire night, I won't let you alone. Come on, let's get out and go have some fun."

The car came to a stop and Logan peered out of the window at the building they had come to a stop in front of. The first thing Logan thought was that this definitely wasn't a cabin. It looked more like an old, run-down building. Some windows were broken and boarded up with planks and duct tape. The walls were old and breaking apart, a building made of stone and wood. The place was in shambles. Logan just stood outside the car staring at the building, wanting to jump in the car and drive away, because to him this was a horror movie, not a party.

"Are you coming?"

Logan was snapped out of his thinking and his attention was directed towards Sandra. She was motioning for him to follow her inside the house, where he heard music, voices, and laughter coming from the inside. "I don't know." Logan said. But Sandra an up to him and grabbed his wrist, causing him to wince in pain.

"Stop that and come on! Everybody's waiting." Sandra said to him. She pulled him along with her up the front steps and into the house. When he got inside, Logan realized it was unlike any party he ever attended. This one was like the ones you see in movies, where people do drugs, have sex, and get completely shitfaced. And Logan wasn't wrong. That's exactly what people were doing in there. The first scent that hit him was the strong smell of weed, and a mixture of other drugs he didn't recognize. It gagged him, for he had never done it before. He encountered someone who did it once before, but at that moment, it was so strong he began to feel light headed.

"I take it you've never smoked weed before?" Sandra asked, her hand still in his. Logan shook his head.

"Never."

Sandra gave him a sly grin. "Well, tonight's gonna be a first for you for a lot of things. Come on. I want you to meet some people."

 _Holy hell._

He reluctantly followed her further into the house, where Sandra took him to a large group of people. "Hey! Sandra is here! Now this party can _really_ get started!"

"What's up, guys? Here's Logan, the boy I been telling you about." Sandra clung closer to his arm, and Logan felt red in the face and a strange feeling in his gut.

"Hey, Logan! I know you, you're in that band." One guy slurred, clearly drunk beyond his mind. Logan nodded towards him, and attempted to pull away from Sandra.

"I really don't think I should be here, Sandra." Logan said to her. "I don't want to be rude, but I really don't think this is the place for me." The familiar burning sensation arose underneath Logan's clothes on his wrists and he suddenly just wanted to jump up and run away to a dark place.

"Just sit down for a bit. I promise you, this won't be bad. And if you feel uncomfortable, I'll take you home. Promise. Now please, Logan, sit."

Logan uncomfortably nodded and sat down on an old, worn out couch, ripped up with a bunch of holes poked into it. He so wanted to get up and run out of there, just dash out into the woods and get as far away as he possibly could, but Sandra took her jacket off and sat down next to Logan, tucking her feet underneath herself on the couch and curling her arms around Logan's. Logan looked her over, and felt a small smirk creep onto his face as he admired her body. He wanted to move his hand onto her leg, another part of his body taking over his mind, but he refused himself the access.

"Can you get us some drinks, please, Derek?" Sandra asked some random guy sitting with them. The guy nodded and jumped up, disappearing into the crowd of people. Logan shook his head and scooted slightly away from Sandra.

"No way, Sandra. I'm sorry, but I told you, I don't drink. I've never touched any alcohol, and I'd really rather not until it's at least legal." Logan said, attempting to stand up. But Sandra took his hand and pulled him down next to her.

"Come on, live a little, Logan. Just have a drink, just one. Trust me, you'll feel so much better. It's a big stress reliever. It feels like all the weight has been taken off your shoulders and you feel like you're in a whole different place."

Derek returned and handed Sandra two drinks with a strange smelling liquid inside of them. Logan cringed as the scent hit him. Sandra offered him one of the cups. "Try this." She encouraged. Logan could just smell the atrocious scent coming from the cup, and nearly gagged.

"I can't." He said, covering his mouth. "This isn't right, Sandra. Please, just let me out of here. I can't do this."

"Just...take a sip." Sandra said, taking a sip of her own drink. She shoved it in his hand and swallowed nearly half her drink down in just seconds. "You'll feel awesome, Logan."

Logan stared at the strange liquid inside the cup. While he knew what he was about to do was wrong, and that he really should toss the drink and head out of there, but the thought of forgetting all of his problems, tossing all of his thoughts out the window, it encased him in it's pleasant sounding, nuzzled itself close to him and whispered calming things in his ear. He spit out his appalling thoughts about himself and instead swallowed the nauseating liquid, sucking it all down in one, long, painful swallow.

* * *

Everything was a blur to Logan. He couldn't remember anything, not a single thing. All he could think of was how horrible his head was killing him, and how badly his body ached. He finally came to, his vision clearing from the haze, and opened his eyes to see a scenery of trees and a dirt road leading in two different directions. Sounds started to come into the picture, like birds, animals scurrying in the leaves around him, and the sound of a car coming towards his direction.

Logan squinted as the bright lights came near him. He tried to stand up straight, but he just stumbled back to the ground. The car came skidding to a stop and Logan could barely make out the figures of three people jumping out of the car.

"Logan! What the fuck happened? Are you ok? How'd you get here? What the fuck, Logan?"

Logan tried to speak and stand up once more, but he just couldn't. The taste of tequila and other alcoholic drinks were still mixed in his mouth. The guys went over to him and helped him up and over to the car.

"Just be quiet, ok? My mom doesn't know this happened. She was sleeping when you called. Now come on, let's get back home before she wakes up and finds out everyone's gone." Kendall said, helping Logan into the back seat. "We just gotta keep you hidden until the morning. A hangover can be passed off as a stomach virus sometimes, if you fake it good enough. Now let's go."

Logan pushed against the car and groaned. "I...I can't move." He moaned, gritting his teeth. "God, is the fucking Earth shaking? I can't...I can't…stand."

"Logan, can you please wait until we get home before you-" But it was too late. The room started spinning, his throat felt heavy, and he vomited all over the side of the road. He sunk to his knees and started screaming.

"Get me out of here!" He screamed. He kept vomiting in between words, feeling so incredibly nauseous he began to pass out once more. "Holy shit." He moaned, and then his eyes went black before him. The other guys shook their heads and picked Logan up, who was drifting in and out of consciousness the entire time until he finally just blacked out.

"Fuck." Logan moaned as he woke up. His head was pounding so hard, he could almost feel his head about to explode. He moved his tongue around in his mouth, but gagged at the dry taste. He tried to sit up, but instantly fell backwards and groaned. "God damn it." He exclaimed. He heard a faint knock at the door and opened his eyes to barely make out the image of Kendall.

"Oh good, you're awake." Kendall said, gently shutting the door. He went over to Logan's bed and sat down on the edge of it very carefully. Logan groaned and felt his forehead.

"WHat time is it, where am I, and why do I feel like shit?" Logan asked. He gagged again and shut his eyes tight. "Woah. I've never felt this shitty before."

"You have a hangover, dipshit." Kendall said. He set some water on the side table next to his bed and shook his head. "You called us at like 3 in the morning drunk as hell. You said you got completely shitfaced at the party and stumbled out of there. We could barely understand you and found you on the side of the road. You remember any of that?"

"Vaguely." Logan replied. He managed to sit up against the bed frame. He groaned and squeezed his eyes shut. "God, this has never happened before. How out of it was I?"

"Well, you were muttering strange things, half of it we couldn't even understand because it sounded like jibberish, and God, you puked so much we thought you were going to vanish into thin air because everything inside was fucking coming outside." Kendall gave a little laugh. "It was funny seeing you shitfaced for the first time, though. That's definitely a sight we'll never see again. But seriously dude, why in hell were you drinking? I thought you didn't drink, and I thought you swore you weren't ever going to?"

Logan groaned and covered his face with his hands. "I don't know, ok? One second I was going to head out of there, then the next I was drinking. I don't know what happened, but once I started, I couldn't fucking stop. Next thing I know, I'm stumbling out of the house and onto the road. I barely remember calling you guys. I just remember a lot of moaning and puking and falling onto the dirt road."

"Yeah, you got lucky nothing happened to you. You were completely wasted. Like, I've never seen someone that drunk. Took us all to get you into bed. We tried to get you to at least take your shirt off but you kept screaming 'I can't! No, no, no! I CAN'T!'"

Logan rolled his eyes at him, thinking he was mocking him, but then Logan's eyes grew real big and his head cleared for a very split second. No, no, they couldn't have. They didn't take off his shirt, did they? WHat was he wearing last night? Everything was all a blur, he couldn't remember.

"So the clothes you're in are the ones you were in last night. I'd recommend getting a shower and changing. We told my mom you were just sick. Here, drink this water. It'll help, hopefully." Kendall handed him a glass, and the pain instantly returned and Logan fell back into bed with a groan. "I'll get you an ice pack. Just get in the shower and clean up. My mom will be checking in on you soon, and if she smells the alcohol on your clothes, she's gonna know. I'll be right back, bud." Kendall patted Logan's leg and stood up and walked away. Logan watched him as he left, smiling through the atrocious pounding in his head. He was so lucky to have such a good friend like Kendall, someone who actually still cared about him and his well being. Logan smiled even wider, but caught himself as he did it, frowning the instant he noticed.

"You gotta stop." Logan told himself, ignoring the pain in his head. He managed to sit up and swing his legs over the edge of the bed. He ignored the pulse inside his skull and headed over to the bathroom, taking a pile of clean clothes with him. He had to grab hold of the wall as he walked, trying to be careful not to fall over onto the floor. He locked the bathroom door behind him and turned on the hot water, stripping down and stepping into the shower, the feeling enticing him as it beat against his skin. He glanced down at his cuts, thankful that Kendall, James, or Carlos didn't see them. Even in his drunken state of mind, he knew very well not to let anyone take his long sleeves off.

 _Kendall._

Logan rolled his eyes and smacked his head a few times, which only made his headache ten times worse. He groaned and closed his eyes against the water. "Why the fuck can't I stop it and think normal?" He asked himself. He tilted his head forward and let the water roll down his back, never wanting to step out of the shower, the warmth and the feelings he felt from being in there made him feel so... _safe_.

A knock on the door made him jump, almost losing his balance and slipping onto the floor. "Hey, I got your ice pack. It's gonna be sitting down on your bedside table. I'm gonna go get something to drink and I'll be back up here with you, ok?"

Logan couldn't help but smile at Kendall's words. "Ok, thanks." He shouted back. He closed his eyes and sighed. He leaned his head against the wall and moaned. "I just want to be normal." He said, a tear rolling down his face. He held his scarred and cut up arms in front of him. "Just once."


	6. Chapter 6

**Oh my, I just realized I haven't updated this story since May. I'm sorry. There's a lot of reasons for that. There's just a lot going on and so I abandoned my fanfiction for a while. But I'm back and I hope this is ok. :)**

"Are you feeling any better?" Mrs. Knight asked as Logan came down the stairs. His head was still pounding and he could hardly walk straight, but he walked as best as he could to the table and sat down. The other guys exchanged awkward looks as Logan sighed.

"Slightly." Was his response. He grabbed his head and groaned. "I might go back to bed."

"You should." Mrs. Knight said, handing him a glass of orange juice. But Logan took one look at it and nearly hurled all over the floor again. "You weren't drinking last night, were you?"

Logan's chest pounded. The other guys stared at him nervously. "No, I wasn't." He lied. "There weren't a lot of people there. It was just me, her, and her brother, actually. Nobody else showed up." The lies flew right out of his mouth like they belonged there.

"Good. You don't need to mix up your life like that. You have a good life, Logan, and a great career ahead of yourself. So many people love you." She walked over to him and kissed his forehead, which made him choke back tears. He blocked her out and forced down his orange juice, making himself throw up, giving him an excuse to leave the table.

Logan had the blankets pulled over over his face as he tried to force himself to fall asleep. But all he saw when he closed his eyes were flashbacks of his life, and the memories weren't too pleasant.

"Logan? Are you doing ok?" Kendall knocked on the door and poked his head in slightly, causing Logan to curse under his breath. "Do you need anything?"

 _Yeah, but nothing that you can give me._

"I'm fine. Please leave."

Kendall sighed and shut the door behind him, walking over to his own bed and sitting down on the edge of it, facing Logan.

 _Fuck._

"I need to talk to you." Logan rolled his eyes underneath the blanket. "About something important."

Logan was silent. Kendall sighed and went on. "I just get the feeling that something is bothering you lately. Do you want to talk about it?" Silence. "But, you know, we've been friends for so many years, I mean, we go way back." Kendall smiled. Logan frowned underneath the blanket and wished he would just go away.

"But seriously...please, um, come talk to us if you need something, because, well, we all talked earlier, me and the guys, my mom doesn't know what happened so don't worry, and, well, we all just thought it would be a good idea to talk to you about what's been going on in your life."

 _What, you mean you guys don't trust me?_

"We all care about you, Logan."

 _You mean you don't trust a lonely, broken, suicidal freak?_

"You know, my mom was right when she said all that stuff about you earlier."

 _That's ok, I don't trust me, either._

Kendall opened his mouth to say something else, but he stopped himself. Instead, he just sighed and stood up and walked towards the door. Right as he was leaving, he stopped, turned back towards Logan, and said, "We care about you, Logan. _I_ care about you."

And then he left.

And Logan started to cry.

"Hey!" Logan heard a yell from behind him as he was walking into the entrance to the Palm Woods. He turned and noticed Sandra chasing after him, and while part of him wanted to turn and keep going, for some reason, he slowed down and let her catch up. "I haven't heard from you in a few days. You ok?"

"I've been sick." Was his response. As he was pulling the door open to the Palm Woods, Sandra yanked him by his wrist behind a palm tree-to which Logan hissed in pain.

"First hangover?" She asked him. Logan nodded. She grinned. "Yeah, that'll happen the first few times. But the more you get alcohol into your system, the more used to it you'll get."

"Look, Sandra, I am not drinking anymore." Logan sighed. "I promised myself I would never touch alcohol before I turn 21 and what do I do at 18 years old? I get fucking wasted."

"But it made you feel good, didn't it?"

Logan opened his mouth to protest, but he stopped himself. He couldn't disagree with her there. It did make him feel good, even for a little while. But he shook that thought from his mind and uttered a regretful sigh.

"Look, Sandra, there are other ways to relieve stress. Drinking just isn't my thing. I'm sorry."

Sandra chuckled, and an odd sensation waved over Logan. "That's fine. We can find something that works properly for you. I mean, it's not like you're depressed or anything."

 _Mmmm._

"Look, I'm sorry if I pressured you into something you didn't want to do. I, I kinda feel really stupid for that. If I can make it up to you, do you wanna come over to my house this weekend and maybe spend the night there with me? It's been really rough spending time by myself since my sister moved away."

Logan looked at her skeptically. When Sandra saw the look on his face, she laughed. "Don't worry, it's not what you think. And there's not gonna be a party. I need to take a break from those myself."

Logan wanted to just shout LIAR into her face and walk away, but some dark force inside of him took over his brain and began twisting his thoughts and actions around. "Alright." He replied. "I can come over Friday after I get off work."

"Perfect!" Sandra said, excitedly. She flipped her hair over her shoulder and shouldered her bag, a big grin splashed across her face. Logan smiled inwardly. He had never seen a girl that excited to see him before.

 _Stop._

"I'll text you my address." She said. She kissed his cheek and waved goodbye to him. "I'll see you later!" She said, happily, as she walked away. She left Logan standing there, dumbfounded. The air around him suddenly got a lot hotter, his long sleeves sticking to his arms, and all Logan could think of at that moment was how badly he needed to be in an air conditioned room.

"Logan! What's up? Where have you been?" James asked as Logan stepped into the apartment. Logan cursed under his breath. "Why didn't you come right up?"

"Oh, it's, uh, it's nothing." Logan said quickly. An itching sensation crawled underneath his sleeves and he needed to get away to fix it. "Nothing important."

"Logan, I think we all know what you were doing." James said, smirking. He wiggled his eyebrows and motioned for Logan to sit next to him. "Come sit."

Logan hesitated. He had to get away, he _needed_ to. But he had to keep suspicion down, so he forced himself to walk over to James and sit down on the couch next to him. He tried to make himself not look so uncomfortable, but he found it extremely difficult to do so when he hugged his arms so close to his body.

"It's not what you think, James." Logan said, slightly annoyed.

James laughed. "I know, dude. I know. But you were with her, weren't you?"

Logan sighed. "You know everything, don't you?"

James laughed. "Almost everything." He threw his arm across the back of the couch behind Logan and his smile faded slightly. "If you're having problems, I can help you. I know people accuse me of being a slut, but let me tell you, that's not true. I just wish people would realize the truth about me."

Logan saw a hurt look in his eyes that he knew all too well. He forced the emotion behind the wall he built and stared blankly at James.

"Now, what's going on with this girl? What's her name again?"

Logan sighed. "Sandra. Her name is Sandra. And it's nothing, really. She just invited me to her house to hang out this weekend."

James frowned. "Are you going out to drink again?"

Logan grunted in frustration. "No!" He said, furiously. But he took a deep breath and calmed himself down. "I'm sorry about that, James. But, no, I'm not going to drink. Look, when I went to that party with her, I wasn't planning on drinking. It was just something that happened and I'm not sure why. I guess I was just stressed. It just, ugh, I don't know, it makes me so stressed out when people just make these assumptions about me, like they think they know me."

James sighed and looked away from him. "I know what you mean." He said quietly. But he pulled himself together and sat up, turning towards Logan and smiling like nothing had ever bothered him before. "So what's the real reason you're going over there?"

Logan sighed. "I don't know. She asked me to go and just hang out, but I don't even know if I'm going to go. I mean, I don't know what it is that makes me not want to go."

"Logan, you have never dated a girl officially before. You're 18, you're going to be 19 next year, and it's gotta happen eventually. You just gotta be loud, proud, happy, and put yourself out there. A girl will love you for you, and maybe Sandra is that girl. Give her a chance, at least."

Logan forced a smile. "Ok." He replied. "Thanks James." He started to stand up and walk away, but James called over his shoulder at Logan.

"You can come to us about anything, Logan. We're not just your friends, we're your brothers."

Logan swallowed hard. "Thank you." Was all he said, and he walked upstairs.

Logan bit his lip as he slowly dragged the silver blade along his wrist. The scarlet liquid poured profusely from his arm, and he watched it stream down his arm in little blobs, the sight of the blood soothing him. He let out a relaxed breath as as he let the blade drop beside him on the ground, the sound of it hitting the carpet ringing surprisingly loud in his ears for such a soft carpet.

He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. He let the sensation of the blood on his arm rush over him for just another moment longer, him soaking up the wonderful feeling of the warm, scarlet liquid flowing down his wrist in puddles. A small smile escaped onto his lips as he exhaled, then opening his eyes to overlook what he had done. So many scars, he thought to himself. So many past memories that led him to inflict those horrible injuries upon himself. He bent down and picked the bloody razor back up, bits of metal still shining through the blood soaked blanket covering it. He then proceeded to roll up his pant leg and make small gashes from his calf to his ankle, wincing with each stroke of his hand. Cutting on his leg was something he didn't do too often.

 _No surprise Logan can't do anything right. He's just a waste of space._

 _I can't believe he is still here._

 _I thought he would've killed himself by now._

With each hateful word he heard echo through his ears, his hand went deeper and deeper, carving a much larger gash, one after the other, until the word 'HATE' was cut in large letters on the side of his left leg. He felt relaxed once more for a brief moment, the edge of his mouth curling up into a slight smile as the voices in his head started to disappear.

But Logan began to feel a little dizzy, though, and he realized the gash he made in his leg was far deeper than he expected it to be. He began to panic, because if he would pass out, or if he would need to go and get medical attention, then everyone would know about his dirty little secret. And he knew everyone would hate him for it.

"Fuck." He mumbled under his breath. He sprinted over to the bathroom as quick as he could, beginning to limp on his left leg, and tripped and fell onto the toilet seat, the pain intensifying. He straightened his leg up on the bathtub and suddenly the adrenaline started to kick in and he really started to panic. He knew Kendall would be coming up soon, and that only made his heart rate intensify.

The blood started pouring out faster and faster, and Logan could kick himself for doing that while people were still at home. Feeling more light headed, he tried cleaning up the wound as best as he could. He retrieved the bandages he kept locked in a secret door under the sink and quickly wrapped them around the cut, sealing it from the outside world.

There was blood all over the bathtub. Logan's hands were shaking wildly with anxiety and fear as the sight overwhelmed him. He grabbed on to the edge of the sink and slowly dragged himself to his feet, his head spinning as he balanced himself. It took him several moments to collect himself before he could start cleaning up the mess that was then in large puddles on the bathroom floor.

Pieces and bits of his life flashed before his eyes. From a small child all the way up until that moment, he saw every bad memory, every mistake, every single wrong thing he ever did. He began to topple over, but grabbed on to the sink for support before he hit the tiled floor. He tried to steady himself as he cleaned up the blood. For one split second he considered giving up his whole secret. He considered calling Kendall, James, and Carlos and telling them everyone, just so he didn't have to hide it anymore. He sighed as he cleaned up the last of the blood and slumped onto the floor, leaning up against the bathtub, about to lose it. His breathing increased and he started to panic as tears fell down his face. He just couldn't hide it anymore, it was getting too hard. Day after day, year after year, he hid his secrets behind long sleeves and fake smiles, and it was all just getting to him. He didn't want to hide it any longer. He just couldn't.

He took his phone out of his pocket and quickly dialed Kendall's number. It rang once, twice, three times, before Logan smashed the "end call" button and threw his phone at the door. "Why did I even think of doing that?" He asked himself. He sighed and wiped the sweat from his face. He couldn't believe what he almost did. He almost told Kendall his biggest secret, which he is sure if Kendall would have found out, he would have put him in a mental facility for sure.

Logan stood up and picked his phone up off the floor. The screen was shattered, to which Logan cursed under his breath. "Great." He said. "Now I gotta go buy a new phone."

"Hey, Logan, you ok? I heard a loud crash." Kendall said, entering the room. He looked at the shattered phone in Logan's hand. "Shit. How'd that happen?"

Logan started to sweat profusely again. "I, uh, I slipped getting out of the shower. Tried to grab hold of the sink but my hand grabbed my phone and it fell down with me. No big deal."

"No big deal? Logan, that thing is broke bad." Kendall took the phone from Logan and ran his fingers over it. "I'm getting pieces of glass stuck in my fingers." He held two fingers up for Logan to see. Logan rubbed the back of his neck and shrugged.

"It's whatever, Kendall. I can get a new phone tomorrow."

Kendall looked at the clock. "We still got time before dark. Let's go now. I got nothing else to do anyway."

Logan really didn't want to. "I just took a shower, though."

Kendall laughed. "It's not like we're going bull riding, bud. Just down the street to the store to look at a phone." He motioned over his shoulder. "Come on. We'll be back soon."

Logan stood there for a moment, his feet unmoving, not wanting to go at all, despising the situation completely. But something deep inside of him forced a smile on his face and caused his feet to start being active. He followed Kendall out of the bedroom and down the stairs, causing Mrs. Knight to smile at the two as they walked out the door.

"Aw, Logan, glad to see you're feeling better. And getting outside. You've been trapping yourself in your room so much lately."

Logan shrugged. "Well, you know. Figured I need some sunshine before it goes away for the day, I guess. Some experts say Vitamin D not only helps in bone health but can also aid in heart, brain, and immune system function."

Mrs. Knight waved them both goodbye as they shut the door behind them. "Wow, Logan." Kendall said as they made their way down to the lobby. "It's been awhile since you've given one of your useless facts." But Kendall caught himself. "I, I am sorry, Logan, I didn't mean useless as in it's not interesting or anything, I just, ugh, I can't think of the word to use you know, not useless but, um, you know, an interesting fact that nobody really knows-"

Logan gave a small laugh, and to his surprise, it was a real one. "I know what you mean, Kendall."

"You've been so different lately. I just wanted to spend some time with you, even if it is just going to replace your broken phone." Kendall smiled at Logan as they got into his car. "And, I don't know, I miss hanging out with you like we used to. The four of us did everything together, whatever happened to that?"

 _I'm sorry to disappoint you, Kendall. I really am…_

Kendall started driving down the street. "I wanted to talk about something while we're here alone together." Logan's heart started to race. For so many different reasons.

"I wanted to talk to you about something that may seem a little personal." _Oh God._ Kendall sighed. "Logan, we all noticed your changed behavior lately, and we've all been kinda talking about it recently. I just want to know if there is anything bothering you. You seem...almost depressed. Are, are you? I, I'm so sorry if this seems pushy or annoying, I don't really know how to talk about this sort of thing. I just really worry about my friends, and when I noticed you acting differently, I don't know, I wanted to step up and see if everything is ok. I remember in psych class talking about depression and everything and hearing stories from our fans you know, it just makes me worried about every one of you. I mean, back when I said something about you know giving out random bursts of information anymore, that's something I noticed and it concerned me. Is, is everything ok?"

Logan felt so conflicted. He felt depressed, worried, anxious, scared, angered, but oddly... _hopeful._ He didn't know where the feeling came from, or why he felt it, but he felt oddly hopeful. Maybe it was because of the way Kendall spoke, of how hard he was trying to make him feel better. Logan gripped the edge of his sleeve, almost ready to pull it down and reveal his secret, but he released his grip and smiled.

"Thanks for worrying, buddy. I really appreciate it." That part wasn't a lie. "But I'm ok, I promise. Probably just a little, you know, stress and stuff from so much rehearsing. It's a lot of stress being added on whenever you got a huge tour up ahead and might possibly be performing at a future Oscar show. Common effects of stress on your mood are things such as anxiety, lack of motivation, irritability, anger, restlessness, sadness, or even depression."

 _Logan, you stupid fuck. Quit giving Kendall these dumb ass facts. He doesn't care._

"But I promise you, I'm not depressed or anything. Things that help stress are things like deep breaths, exercise, relaxing, and staying away from alcohol, which I will never touch again for another three years, by the way."

Kendall smiled. "Good." He replied. "We may not act like it, but we're concerned for your well being. Now look ahead, the we're almost at the store."

Kendall and Logan laughed as they came down the highway. "You didn't have to stop and get me food, man." Logan said. "I told you I wanted to pay for the both of us."

"And I said I didn't care." Kendall said, giving Logan a smile. "How's that new phone working, by the way?"

"Great, actually. A lot better than my old one." He held up his new phone. "I was due for an upgrade, anyway."

"So is there anything else you wanna do before we gotta go back home? It's getting dark, but we can still hang out for a while. We already got your phone and got some food, anything else you wanna do?"

"I don't know. Whatever you wanna do. If we go home I'm just gonna sit there in my room and sleep anyway."

"Let's just drive around until we find something."

Logan glanced over at Kendall as the two drove around L.A. And for once in his life, he actually smiled, _for real._ For a little while, he actually forgot what it was like to be depressed. It was just him and his best friend, and honestly, that couldn't have made him any happier. Kendall treated him like an actual person, and not like some punching bag, and him and the rest of the guys never knew how much that meant to him.

"We didn't do anything, but driving around the city was nice. We never get to do that anymore." Kendall said as the two got out at the Palm Woods after their short evening. "It's nice to be out of the spotlight for a while."

"You're telling me." Logan said. The two made their way into the Palm Woods and up to the apartment. Mrs. Knight commented on them as they walked through the door.

"You guys were gone a while. What did you guys do for so long?"

Kendall shrugged. "Just things, I guess. Got his new phone, went to eat, and just drove around L.A. for a while. It was fun. ANd there was no stress." Kendall placed his arm around Logan, which made him smile again.

"Well, Logan, you certainly look a lot happier. Now you boys get to bed, you have work in the morning."

"Night mom." Kendall said. Logan began making his way upstairs as Kendall gave his mother a kiss and shouted into the other bedroom downstairs. "Night, Katie!"

"Night, big brother."

Logan smiled inwardly. Sometimes, he really wished he had some siblings, just someone to share the love with every now and then. But when he started to feel lonely without siblings, he just thought about how he had three brothers who would do anything for him. And that was all he needed.

Logan's leg still burned like hell from earlier. He made sure nobody was looking, then quickly took all his clothes off to eye over his work. He could see some blood bleeding through the bandage he put on. He made a mental note to change it before he went to bed.

"That's a lot of scars…" Logan said to himself as he looked over his arms. He looked at all the white and red lines etched into his skin and felt a lump in his throat. No, he couldn't be crying. Logan Mitchell didn't cry.

Footsteps coming up the stairs snapped him out of it. He quickly threw on his clothes, the usual sweatpants and long sleeved shirt, just in time before Kendall walked in.

"You got dressed fast." Kendall commented as he entered the room. "But long sleeves again? Dude, you know this is California, and it's like 90 degrees all year round."

"GUess my body heat has just been thrown off because of the, you know, stress and what not."

"Is that normal?" Kendall went over to Logan and felt his forehead. "You feel warm. Are you sure you don't want to sleep in a tank top at least or something tonight?"

"No." Logan quickly jumped up, confusing Kendall. "I mean, no, I'm good. I feel fine, actually. Better than I have in a long time." He smiled, changing the subject. "Anyway, before we went to bed, I wanted to tell you thanks for taking me out this evening. That was just what I needed to calm down."

Kendall grinned. "It's no problem, buddy. I'd do anything for you guys." He yawned and began taking his shirt off over his head. "I'm exhausted. You may be fully covered, but fuck that, I'm sweating." Kendall stripped down to his boxers and crawled into bed. He grinned as he shut his eyes. Logan squirmed in his place, feeling uncomfortable. "I'll take a shower in the morning, it's not that bad. My mom will just have to deal with it. Goodnight, Logan."

Logan couldn't even say goodnight. He felt so uncomfortable and sweaty he made a mad dash for the bathroom, locking the bathroom door before taking two fistfuls of his hair in his hands. He rested his head against the wall and tried to calm down. These feelings, these weird, unusual feelings, he wanted to get rid of them. He didn't know what they were, but they were there, and he hated it.

He pushed those thoughts aside and calmly switched bandages, wrapping the other one up in toilet paper and shoving it at the bottom of the garbage can. He then proceeded to leave the bathroom and climb into bed, taking one last glance at Kendall before turning his back to him and pulling the blankets over him.

Logan stared at the wall for what seemed like hours, so many thoughts rushing through his head, before he finally passed out and went to sleep.

 ***GASP* OHHHHH BOY looks like Logan's catching feelings.**


End file.
